Vivek Narain on Life

The musings of a man preparing for a mission

Flat Belly Diet vs. Fat Belly Diet

Posted by viveknarain on August 6, 2008

So it’s obvious that the Flat Belly Diet is a gimmick. I’m sick of all these phony dieting crazes that trick unhealthy people into thinking there is some magical way to loose weight without doing any work. So I came up with my own diet that actually does work. I call it the Fat Belly Diet, and it’s guaranteed to give you the spare tire you always dreamed of.

Breakfast

Two fistfuls of goldfish and a breadbowl with nacho cheese. Fist nacho cheese with goldfish and consume, make sure you eat all the bread.

Lunch

A warm glass of Country Club Malt Liquor and an Ultimate Double Cheeseburger from Jack in the Box. Can’t really say much more about that.

Dinner

Mix Mountain Dew and Kool Aid into a water cooler to keep your thirst quenched throughout this meal. A dozen mozzarella cheese sticks will serve as the appetizer. To prepare the main course, wallpaper a country fried steak with bacon. Fry everything and set over a bed of ranch sauce. Douse with country gravy before eating.

Dessert

All you need for dessert is one of these babies – Elephant Bar’s Giant Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich

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Obama Money aint Funny

Posted by viveknarain on August 1, 2008

We all know Republicans are racist, so why does Barack Obama waste his breath trying to prove this fact during his campaign. Obama thinks Republicans will use his race to scare voters because he, “doesn’t look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills.”

Could Obama’s statement be any more misguided? He’s a natural!

The only fear mongering in this campaign is how scary-good he looks in my wallet.

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Los Angeles City Council Fights Fast Food – Completely Misses the Point

Posted by viveknarain on July 30, 2008

For most people, the choice between eating at McDonald’s or a sit down restaurant that features delicious and full meals is a no brainier. Fast food is a tantalizing treat, but you’d be a fool to deprive yourself of fresh food, nutrients and a great atmosphere to enjoy your meal in.

But do only fools choose fast food? Maybe not. Fast food relies on consumers that only have two dollars in their pockets and realize that with a few more nickels they could buy some cheeseburgers. Fast food relies on the hardworking individuals located at the bottom of America’s steep economic ladder, people who may have to skimp on food for a few months because of an unexpected increase in gas prices.

So rather than address the issue of poverty and why people choose fast food for their meal options, The Los Angeles City Council has approved a one-year moratorium on new fast-food restaurants in a low-income area of the city. The fear of using the word “poverty” has led to an ignorant state within the city council. It is easy to blame the byproducts of poverty, rather than address the true culprit.

What happens next? Does L.A. close down Marshall’s and Ross because they generally sell sizes larger than XL, which clearly promote obesity? Does L.A. also shut down used car dealerships that are flowing with SUVs because their size is perfect for low-income obese individuals?

If the restaurant industry can figure it out, why can’t our politicians?

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Bush lifts executive ban on offshore drilling, assumes America hates the ocean

Posted by viveknarain on July 16, 2008

Yesterday, President George Bush lifted the executive ban on offshore drilling, a decision that is less about oil output and more about politics. Bush said, “The only thing standing between the American people and these vast oil resources is action from the U.S. Congress,” which coincidently is composed of a Democratic majority.

The executive order Bush decided to remove is the same ban that his father enforced to ensure the growth and preservation of American coastal waters and tourist economies. The present day Bush is looking for relief from high gas prices, but drilling in ocean waters wouldn’t bring us what we need. Even White House officials have said, “There is no quick fix,” in regards to the gas situation. This begs the question, whose interests are being served by Bush’s latest environment murdering decision?

So what happens if congress agrees with Bush and the ban is removed? It might knock off a few bucks from the price of gas barrels, but at what expense? We all saw the precedence that the Valdez case set. We saw how tax-abiding citizens lost their livelihoods because of the damage caused by an oil spill off the Alaskan coast, only to be awarded $55,000. Now is your livelihood worth more than $55,000 (the payout victims received) after 19 years? It better be, or you’re getting royally screwed (by that oil drill of course). You can bet oil drilling off of our coastline will do a lot more damage than the Valdez spill.

If oil prices go down, it won’t be due to offshore drilling, but because of key market factors like a strengthening dollar and a reformed American financial system. Combine this with continued development of alternative energy sources (Tesla and Chevy Volt!) and we end up with an unnecessary and disgusting permanent decoration gracing American coasts like a puss-filled zit exploding during a high school senior portrait.

When was the last time you heard about anyone drilling out of a problem? That sounds like Shredder from the Ninja Turtles… and we all know the outcome of that.

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Euro Fighter 08

Posted by viveknarain on June 29, 2008

As two international heavyweights prepare for the violent final battle, we spotlight the strengths and weakness of some of the world’s greatest football-fighters, who will showcase their skills during tomorrow’s epic Euro struggle.

Rhyu Ballack

Rhyu Ballack is the most recognizable character on the field and the fearless leader of the German side. A legend in the football-fighting world, he is renowned for his strength and ability to blend styles that rely on both brute force and stylish grace. He is a dedicated football technician and is both unrelenting and unforgiving. Ballack will rocket the ball violently into the net with a spine splitting free kick or neck severing header, but it is his leadership that must shine if Germany is too win the European championship.

Chun-Li Fabregas

Quick and agile, and completely dedicated to avenging the losses suffered by Spain in previous international battles, Chun-Li Fabregas is a formidable opponent, even though he may not look like one. His flurry of kicks and lightning quickness can tear apart the German defense, which will struggle to stifle his clever distribution skills, and they can’t afford to ignore his deadly striking ability.

Blanka Schweinsteiger

Blanka Schweinsteiger is clearly more monster than human. He is a savage player and hideous beast who can strike ferociously anywhere on the pitch. Schweinsteiger’s goal scoring heroics in the last two Euro games helped bring Germany to the final, so Spain knows they must reign in this creature if they have any hope of winning.

Vega Torres

Vega Torres is easily the fastest player on the pitch, but he is also one of the most delicate, his ability to deal with physical defenders is not comparable to his mind bending open-field speed. Torres’s quickness and high flying style allows him to score intricate goals that incorporate a series of complicated high speed moves. Torres is even long rage threat with his sinister goal scoring claw. Combined with his narcissistic attitude and flowing blond hair, Germany will need to focus on this flashy speedster if they want to win.

Zangief Metzelder

This massive defender is an impentertable force along the German back line. Annihlating any ariel attack that dares to enter his part of the field, Zangief Metzelder uses his massive physicality to demolish attackers. Spain will have to use their speed and agility to get around this force of defensive brutality.

Sergio Gile

With indisputable offensive prowess, especially for a fullback, Sergio Gile’s sonic boom attacks that originate from his defensive position are a key part of Spain’s game plan. Gile’s offensive firepower is indisputable, but he is a legendary hothead who may leave his side open to a German counter attack.

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Exxon Pwns Alaska

Posted by viveknarain on June 26, 2008

On Wednesday the Supreme Court decide to throw out $2.5 Billion in punitive damages that Exxon Mobil Corp was supposed to pay for the 1989 Exxon Valdez Alaskan oil spill. Now, this was the worst oil spill in our country’s history, it ruined over 1,200 miles of Alaskan coastline by spreading 11 million gallons of crude oil across the area, annihilating thousands of marine animals and sea birds while decimating local fishing industries.

So as oil prices climb, an oil company finds yet another way to take money from American people by not even paying for the mess that it caused. Exxon posted a record year of revenue in 2007, making more than it ever had before. In fact, in the first quarter of 2007, it would have taken Exxon only two days to raise the $2.5 billion in revenue needed to pay for the disaster it created.

Exxon Valdez Vivek Narain Oil Spill

If I break my arm while I’m at work, my company has to compensate me heavily, even if it’s not their fault. Do you know why normal companies have to pay for things like workers comp? Because it’s their responsibility. For some reason, it seems that oil companies get to exist outside the rules, outside any sense of responsibility.

Maybe this is because the U.S. government feels if they let big oil exist outside the rules they can perform better and give America better fuel prices. However, I think it’s become clear that helping out the oil companies is not helping out average Americans, because even with record profits, we are still getting screwed at the pump. So maybe, instead of helping out oil companies and hoping that it will trickle down to the common man, we should start holding them responsible for their actions.

Exxon might as well have flown a cargo plane over America dumping oil on school children and throwing tax money into the ocean because they know the government will always be there to bail them out, no matter how much it hurts the country.

The livelihood’s of these Alaskan fisherman were completely ruined by the oil spill, and all they asked for was that the company responsible pay for what they did. What kind of message does this send when the Supreme Court says they don’t have too?

Exxon originally was charged with paying $5 Billion for the spill, which was slashed to $4.5 and then to $2.5 billion. Finally, as our nation struggles with exorbitant gas prices and Alaska still reels from an oil spill that ruined countless communities and anhilated entire ecosystems, the U.S. Supreme Court has told us they are only making Exxon pay $507.5 Million, which when it comes to the billions in revenue that Exxon yields each year, is an amount that is simply, “Lost in rounding.”

Our political system is firmly entrenched in the pockets of big oil, and I have no idea how we will ever get it out. This is just the latest case in a long history of average American lives being dumped on by a government that’s more sympathetic to big oil than to its own populace.

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NBA X-Men, The Celtics vs. The Lakers

Posted by viveknarain on June 14, 2008

*UPDATE*

Celtics beat the Lakers 131-92 in Game 6 of the NBA Finals. So, just like I predicted in the Super Bowl Star Wars Post,  good once again crushes evil!  Maybe I should start betting on these games.

A race of superhuman mutants, born with athletic powers greater than any normal human could imagine, remain locked in an epic final duel, the outcome of which will decide the very fate of humanity. Many of these creatures believe in peaceful coexistence with the meager humans who share their world, but some care more about personal glory and power, and will stop at nothing to win.

The C-Men are a team of courageous super-players sworn to battle these evil forces and their unstoppable super-villain leader who’s incredible basketball powers and gigantic ego threaten to destroy the human race. Can the C-Men work as a team and defeat this omnipotent evil force in the final battle to decide the fate of our basketball world?

Garnerine

Garnerinre is the most fearsome of the C-Men, boasting incredible strength and offensive prowess. Garnerine can defeat almost any foe by utilizing an unbridled mixture of emotion, skill, and indestructible physicality. His strength and fearsome clawhands have helped him become an unstoppable defensive force as well, claiming the NBA Defensive Mutant of the Year award in the 2007-2008 season. However, his own passion is his Achilles Heel, as sometimes he is unable to control the rage inside, rendering him useless at key moments.

Kobocalypse

Kobocalypse is the single most powerful mutant player on earth, with the ability to annihilate entire teams by himself. It will take all of the C-Men’s combined powers to destroy him. Despite his unstoppable basketball powers, it is Kobocalypse’s massive ego that threatens to destroy us all. If he wins the Finals, the ego will grow too big for our planet to sustain, spiraling earth out of orbit and into the sun. Four minions take the court alongside Kobocalypse, but they are easily handled by the C-Men. Like most evil henchmen, they are simply fodder who only get in the way as the heroes try to handle the super-villain. Kobocalypse leads by fear, his court followers are forced to listen while he insults them for every mistake and bullies them into acquiescence. Kobocalypse shows no mercy as he flexes his unstoppable basketball capabilities, he knows he is the most powerful creature on the court, and revels in his unrelenting superhuman nature. It will take a lot of teamwork for the C-Men obliterate this monstrosity.

Cyclopierce

Cyclopierce is the C-Men’s leader on the court, using his precision optic lasers to score hordes of points and decimate his opponents. Cyclopierce does his best to reign in the unfettered emotion and intensity of Garnerine, but he is often unsuccessful. Unfortunately, Cyclopierce’s own powers are difficult to control and he occasionally becomes weak, leaving the team to fend for themselves. He is an extremely loyal leader; his entire evil-fighting career has been with the C-Men.

Gasoltooth

Gasoltooth is the most hideous of the evil mutants, and the arch enemy of Garnerine, going head to head with him throughout the final battle. Gasoltooth’s bestial super abilities have caused him to grow freakish hair and rise to an impressive physical height, but he still gets severely abused by Garnerine up and down the mutant court.

Ray Stormlen

Ray Stormlen has the mutant capabilities necessary to destroy all who stand before him, with a three-point accuracy that can rain down the power of the elements on his opponents. However, the stress of controlling such raw shot power affects Stormlen, and he is not always able to harness his power correctly, accounting for some disappointingly unreliable play.

Doc X

Doc X is the wise leader of the C-Men who helped create the unstoppable team, teaching them how to hone their mutant skills and work together as a synchronized superhuman unit of basketball dominance. He has has the ability to control minds with his incredible mental basketball power, and he can even appease the unforgiving Boston press, but only with the help of Cerebro.

Phil Jagneto

Uncompromising and unrelenting, Jagneto will crush anyone and anything on his path to ultimate basketball glory. With a long history of annihilating opponents, Jagneto uses his magnetic coachability to impale other teams with triangle offense, while manipulating his own team with evil mind games (images of Hitler in 2000 playoff game against Sacramento).

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The Wilt Chamberlain of Cars

Posted by viveknarain on May 28, 2008

Prepare for weirdness… This lunatic claims to have had sex with 1,000 cars.

This so-called “Mechaphiliac,” who’s name is Edward Smith, actually has romantic attachments with these automobiles and is currently living with his “girlfriend,” which happens to be a Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla.

I really don’t understand how one goes about having sex with a car, but apparently it is possible. I wonder if Smith considers Avis and Hertz his own personal brothels? I mean, if you really do like to get intimate with cars it must be a pretty nice life, you can just go and buy a new girlfriend whenever you want.

Not to get stuck on technicalities, but how can you actually have sex with a car? The tail pipe is the only obvious choice for me. Maybe poking a hole in the seat? Or getting nasty with glove compartment? I really don’t know how Smith does it, and he doesn’t go into any details about the actual sexing in the article.

No matter what your sex template is, 1,000 is a ridiculously huge number of partners, and Smith’s promiscuity is extremely disturbing. In the article Smith explains that many of the cars he sexes are either stranger’s or from car show rooms… great. Now I run the risk of getting into a car that has been violated by some crazy auto-sex fiend, do you think that should be included on a Car Fax vehicle history report?

Personally, I feel bad for the cars because they are unwitting sex-crime victims who lack the ability to say “NO.” Why does Smith think the cars actually reciprocate his twisted love? A car can’t stop you from making love to it, so doesn’t that count as an unlawful sex act? One of Smith’s past “girlfriends” was another VW Beatle he bought from a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I know for a fact that a Jehovah Witness car is not ok with premaritial sex! Corvette’s and Honda’s are the skanks of the car world, and I’m sure they are fine with a weird human invading them in strange ways, but a VW Beatle from a family of Witnesses? There is no way that sex was consenting. Shame on you Edward Smith, you are both a bad, and a very strange person.

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Ghetto Puppets…There is hope

Posted by viveknarain on May 24, 2008

please vote for it on digg !

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Al Reynolds MySpace Quiz

Posted by viveknarain on May 23, 2008

Al Reynolds has been crucified by the media for his MySpace and Facebook comments in conjunction with All-Star Jones. Every aspect of the situation is sad… a professional investment banker pouring out his emotions on social networking sites like a teenage girl, and then respected web media outlets like Yahoo News actually picking up the story as legitimate news. Mass media’s slide down the slippery slope of sensationalism is already beyond fixing, but it’s not too late to save Al Reynolds.

Reynold’s missed out on a golden opportunity to showcase the true power of MySpace while venting his childish emotions. So this is for you Al, my version of what your MySpace page should have looked like. Instead of all that unfocused ranting, you should have expressed yourself through a classic MySpace quiz, it is the slickest and easiest way for people to understand your deepest and most meaningful adolescent feelings.

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