Vivek Narain on Life

The musings of a man preparing for a mission

Archive for March, 2008

An Angry Letter to KFC in Response to the Egregious Act of Disrespect Committed Against Al Copeland.

Posted by viveknarain on March 27, 2008

Dear KFC,

March 24, 2008 began like any other day. The morning chatter of several arguing birds fluttered past my car window, raising me from an alcohol induced and nightmare ridden slumber. Everything seemed fine until I checked the news headlines on Yahoo and discovered that Al Copeland had died. You may not recognize his name, but I guarantee your stomach will. The 64 year old Copeland, who succumbed to a malignant salivary gland tumor, was the eccentric and brilliant founder of Popeyes Chicken and Biscuits.

My heart hadn’t felt like this since the demise of Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas in 2002, and I knew that it would be a day of mourning and fried chicken consumption instead of my usual routine of procrastination and satirical observation.

Copeland was the Henry Ford of low quality chicken service, helping change the U.S. Chickenscape with a lethal combination of spicy fried chicken flavoring and heroin-like biscuits. Without Copeland, chicken would not play such an important role in American culture, but people often overlook his chicken legacy in favor of your company’s founder and mascot, Colonel Sanders.

I’ve always loved Popeyes, but I still respected you KFC, you were a noble warrior in the chicken battle, except this time, you’ve gone too far. On the day of Copeland’s death, a day set aside for chicken grief and reflection on all the beautiful years of biscuits and spicy flavoring that Copeland helped America enjoy, I was horrified to stumble across this KFC advertisement, mere moments after reading about Copeland’s demise.

The ad clearly states “Life tastes better with KFC.” Way to kick a man when he’s down KFC. You just had to talk about “life” while an entire nation mourns the death of a great American hero and visionary, who also happened to be your biggest competitor. We all know that life tastes better than death KFC; do you really have to rub it in? Couldn’t you have just let this one go? This is like Steve Jobs releasing a new iPhone on the day that Bill Gates dies and Microsoft replaces his organic body with a Mech Warrior.

So what’s next KFC? After my washer and dryer break down will I receive a pop up that says, “Cleanliness tastes better with KFC.”

Copeland gave America some of the finest low quality chicken known to man, and he deserves a lot more respect from KFC. To retain the honor of Copeland and everything Popeyes has given this country, I would like KFC to respond to the following ultimatum:

I, Vivek Narain, demand that on March 24, 2009, KFC restores the three story snowman that Copeland created for his annual New Orleans Christmas display (Yes, Copeland actually built a three story snowman – isn’t that awesome?). You will do this to honor the American visionary that you have disrespected so blatantly. If you do not respond to these demands, I fear that I may have to boycott your company and its stupid Mashed Potato Bowls.

Sincerely,

Vivek Narain

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Things That Fund Terrorism: Spitzer Prostitution money actually goes to Al-Qaeda

Posted by viveknarain on March 19, 2008

Major news outlets believe the Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal is over. What these media bigwigs fail to realize is the real story has yet to be revealed. Spitzer’s hooker ring of choice, the secretive Emperor Club, is actually an elaborate cover designed to hide his true intentions. The governor of New York would never dole out serious cash for a high priced yet mildly attractive hooker. In reality, Spitzer’s prostitution money was actually used to fund terrorism.

Do you really think “Client 9” would willingly spend that much money on simple prostitutes? Spitzer could have grabbed any woman he desired for free, and his hooker of choice may have looked good, but not $80,000 good. For that much money you could get busy with Beyonce on a gold plated waterbed filled with champagne. Believe me, the only people getting their hands on Spitzer’s money were terrorists.

This diagram lays out the real Spitzer scandal.

As you can see in the diagram, Spitzer’s cash was siphoned off to build an Al-Qaeda training camp somewhere in the Middle East. The prostitution ring served as the perfect cover because Spitzer knew if he got caught he would have to resign and face harsh public judgment, which is much better than a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay for treason.

Spitzer would pay his hooker when they met in secure locations. They would then spend a respectable amount of private time together to ensure the legitimacy of the facade. After the secret rendezvous, Spitzer’s prostitute would deliver the money to the cloaked Emperor Club pimp-leader, who would then pass it on to the mysterious head of terrorist operations. This secretive terrorist leader, who’s identity is still classified, but appears to have an unsettling passion for eucalyptus trees, would proceed to divert the funds toward various terrorist activities, the most important of which are training camp monkey bars.

Every male in power has a severe prostitute hunger that must be quenched; it’s a fact of life. Conversely, getting caught funding terrorism is an extremely serious crime, so Spitzer intelligently covered it up with a more common and acceptable political sex scandal. Revealing Spitzer’s prostitution offense must have felt like the holy grail of stories for the media, so what incentive is there to dig deeper and find where the money is truly going? There is no better story than the quintessential law and order politician becoming trapped in a prostitution scandal, so there is no need to look deeper. By using the prostitution ring as a front, Spitzer ensured that no one would look closer into the money’s eventual destination.

If Spitzer used a normal terrorist funding cover like a shady real estate deal or an offbeat government acquisition, authorities would be more likely to follow the money trail beyond its initial front. Instead, America sees Spitzer’s prostitution scandal as just another example of sexually deviant male politicians and is happy to move on after a week. The “Enforcer” is no horny fool; he is a terrorism funding genius.

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America’s Next Top Dictator

Posted by viveknarain on March 7, 2008

The once unpredictable and exciting world of reality television has stagnated in a pit of formulaic monotony. The American people are tired of seeing the same petty cat fights and drunken emotional break downs that occur with uneventful regularity in every show. It used to be exciting to see someone get slapped on MTV’s the Real World, but now I’ve become so desensitized that I barely bat an eye when two half-naked women body slam each other in another pointless reality challenge.

To improve ratings and maintain viewers, the major television networks must take the reality show formula to a new global level of pain and humiliation. The answer to the reality show slump can be found by taking one of the most popular reality shows of all time to an entirely new level of disaster.

My pitch to the major television networks is simple: Take the recipe for America’s Next Top Model, but replace the beautiful women with a group of world dictators and call it America’s Next Top Dictator. From Guatemala to Uzbekistan, America has a long history of aiding ruthless third world dictators, and the current international stage is ripe with some truly sexy totalitarian oppressors. With many of our old international buddies turning against us, it’s time for America to pick a new dictator lapdog. What better way for America to decide if they want to favor Abdullah over Musharraf than through weekly televised events? The torture, murder, and general oppression of an entire culture is far more exciting to watch than people eating egg brains or going on blind dates. America’s Next Top Dictator would be a ratings giant!

So here is my pitch for America’s Next Top Dictator, I figured out an excellent judge’s panel, the perfect weekly contests, and even recommendations for contestants to choose. I don’t think the networks can afford to let this go.

America’s Next Top Dictator: Judges Panel

There is only one man who can host America’s Next Top Dictator. This monolith of tyranny wrote the book on dictatorship himself. This communism-loving bearded bad ass brought style and innovation into the authoritarian world; I’m talking about none other than the freshly retired Fidel Castro.

Castro knows what it takes to please America, because he knows how to survive longer than anyone else as America’s number one enemy. Castro can suppress individual freedoms with the best of them, and despite the production crew’s complaints after editing his nine hour speeches each week, Castro is perfectly positioned to take on the role that fellow diva dictator Tyra Banks perfected. Castro’s infinite knowledge of dictator life will prove invaluable as the fledgling dictators look for their chance to shine on network television.

The Judges panel will feature Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and CIA director Michael Hayden. Gates is a perfect dictator judge, he has already proven his love for autocratic regimes through his involvement with the Iran-contra affair, and his skill at skewing Russian intelligence reports while serving as CIA director would impress any of our top dictator hopefuls.

Dictator Weekly Challenges

Much like its highly successful predecessor, America’s Next Top Dictator will force contestants to overcome a gauntlet of difficult challenges for our viewing pleasure. These challenges are carefully designed to test the true skills of a Top Dictator and ensure each contestant’s commitment to wield supreme authoritarian power over their helpless country.

The expert judges will vote on the best dictator performance after each challenge, removing the lowest performing tyrant each week. Weekly challenges will force the contestants to elude coup attempts and see which dictator can find and torture spies in a group of innocents the fastest.

Other challenges will include who can manipulate newspapers and journalists in the most effective manner, who can allow America to build a military base inside their country the quickest, and who can torture members of their own party with the most creative flair after becoming paranoid that their closest allies are plotting against them.

A special event will be hosted by guest judge and fellow lunatic rambling speech expert Tyra Banks, who will help the panel choose which dictator can give the most hysterical and hate-filled ignorant speech to a square full of frightened minions.

Tyra Banks will return for The Sexy Space Suit Dictator Photo Shoot, a surprise final challenge where remaining dictator contestants dress up in man-thongs and space helmets and see who can strike the best moon conquering pose next to their respective national flags.

Contestant Strategies

King Abdullah is the heavy favorite to win Top Dictator; he already enjoys the golden spoon of American favor courtesy of the Saudi Oil that our country laps up like breast milk. With his rich history as an American lapdog, this Saudi King will be hard to beat in the eyes of the Americans who love him and ignore his anti-Semitic, freedom squashing leadership methods.

China’s supreme leader Hu Jintao is another good candidate, the sheer economic power he wields with China and the upcoming Olympic Games puts him ahead of the competition, but Jintao’s utter disregard for human rights violations is no joke, and the forced abortions and religious detainments he sponsors may outweigh China’s global economic persuasiveness.

Kim Jong-Il is the Top Dictator rebel, and like the classic reality show villains before him, Jon-Il will continually remind the other dictators that he is not in this show to make “friends,” and will use disturbing nuclear antics to try and coerce a top spot in the finals.

Robert Mugabe has helped Zimbabwe’s citizens capture the awards for world’s shortest life expectancy, highest percentage of orphans, and worst inflation rate, so he has a lot of sucking up to do, but his charismatic speeches may just make him a contender.

The lack of American response to the extreme amounts of death that Omar al-Bashir has caused in Darfur means that he must be doing something phenomenal behind the scenes, so this mass murderer masquerading as a respectable leader might just be the dark horse of Top Dictator.

Pervez Musharraf uses the war on terror to gain American favor and hide his oppression of the Pakistani people. The amount of aid given to Musharraf by America must mean he has a good chance to win.

After the final challenge, the remaining contestants will be chosen via text message vote by the American people, thus assuring public approval of America’s new Top Dictator. The winner will immediately pledge to do arms dealing only with America, as well as restricting trade to only countries we approve of. In return, they will be allowed to do whatever their twisted minds desire to their people without fear of overt American intervention. The winner would retain their Top American Dictator title until a new winner is chosen on the next season’s show.

I think America’s Next Top Dictator has a lot of potential to receive stellar ratings, and help improve American foreign relations. It’s a win, win situation. I’ll keep you posted as the offers come streaming in.

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