Vivek Narain on Life

The musings of a man preparing for a mission

Archive for May, 2008

The Wilt Chamberlain of Cars

Posted by viveknarain on May 28, 2008

Prepare for weirdness… This lunatic claims to have had sex with 1,000 cars.

This so-called “Mechaphiliac,” who’s name is Edward Smith, actually has romantic attachments with these automobiles and is currently living with his “girlfriend,” which happens to be a Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla.

I really don’t understand how one goes about having sex with a car, but apparently it is possible. I wonder if Smith considers Avis and Hertz his own personal brothels? I mean, if you really do like to get intimate with cars it must be a pretty nice life, you can just go and buy a new girlfriend whenever you want.

Not to get stuck on technicalities, but how can you actually have sex with a car? The tail pipe is the only obvious choice for me. Maybe poking a hole in the seat? Or getting nasty with glove compartment? I really don’t know how Smith does it, and he doesn’t go into any details about the actual sexing in the article.

No matter what your sex template is, 1,000 is a ridiculously huge number of partners, and Smith’s promiscuity is extremely disturbing. In the article Smith explains that many of the cars he sexes are either stranger’s or from car show rooms… great. Now I run the risk of getting into a car that has been violated by some crazy auto-sex fiend, do you think that should be included on a Car Fax vehicle history report?

Personally, I feel bad for the cars because they are unwitting sex-crime victims who lack the ability to say “NO.” Why does Smith think the cars actually reciprocate his twisted love? A car can’t stop you from making love to it, so doesn’t that count as an unlawful sex act? One of Smith’s past “girlfriends” was another VW Beatle he bought from a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I know for a fact that a Jehovah Witness car is not ok with premaritial sex! Corvette’s and Honda’s are the skanks of the car world, and I’m sure they are fine with a weird human invading them in strange ways, but a VW Beatle from a family of Witnesses? There is no way that sex was consenting. Shame on you Edward Smith, you are both a bad, and a very strange person.

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Ghetto Puppets…There is hope

Posted by viveknarain on May 24, 2008

please vote for it on digg !

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Al Reynolds MySpace Quiz

Posted by viveknarain on May 23, 2008

Al Reynolds has been crucified by the media for his MySpace and Facebook comments in conjunction with All-Star Jones. Every aspect of the situation is sad… a professional investment banker pouring out his emotions on social networking sites like a teenage girl, and then respected web media outlets like Yahoo News actually picking up the story as legitimate news. Mass media’s slide down the slippery slope of sensationalism is already beyond fixing, but it’s not too late to save Al Reynolds.

Reynold’s missed out on a golden opportunity to showcase the true power of MySpace while venting his childish emotions. So this is for you Al, my version of what your MySpace page should have looked like. Instead of all that unfocused ranting, you should have expressed yourself through a classic MySpace quiz, it is the slickest and easiest way for people to understand your deepest and most meaningful adolescent feelings.

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NFL Conspiracy Post

Posted by viveknarain on May 22, 2008

The NFL owners recently voted to give Super Bowl hosting rights to the Indianapolis Colts in 2012. I know the Colts probably won’t be as good in 2012 as they are now, but it still seems a little fishy. Sure, the Colts are building the new Lucas Oil Stadium, an impressive retractable-roof behemoth, but Super Bowl’s are historically hosted in warm weather cities, this will be only the fourth time in history that the Super Bowl has been in a cold weather area. Can you imagine the Colts with home field advantage in the Super Bowl? It seems much more likely to happen with the Colts than with teams like the Arizona Cardinals, who hosted last season’s Super Bowl. Is this some kind of NFL conspiracy? Maybe not, but it brings to mind several other famous football conspiracies that you may or may not be familiar with.

Al Davis Vampire Conspiracy

The Oakland Raiders are clearly the black sheep of the National Football League, and it’s obvious that the NFL bureaucracy has a vendetta against them. The Raiders lack the refined, bourgeoisie football style of teams like the New England Patriots, and also fail to exude the all-American boy-next-door image like Peyton Manning and the Colts. The Raiders represent the dark side of football, and if you’ve ever tailgated at a Raiders game or witnessed the Black Hole in action, you would understand the terrifying levels of chaos and insanity portrayed within the Raider culture. The Raiders are the rebels of the NFL, and they stand for everything the modern league is trying to move away from, which is why the NFL concocted a sinister plan to keep the franchise out of football power.

After the Raiders reached Super Bowl XXXVII, loosing to the Buccaneers by 27 points, the NFL realized the Oakland team was becoming too powerful, so they decided to bring the Raiders down for good. The NFL contacted Raiders owner Al Davis and told him there was a special Super Bowl runner-up retreat in Transylvania. Davis took the bait and hit the first international flight to the foreboding area, where he was promptly bitten by a vampire the NFL hired to track him (who was possibly related to Pac-Man Jones). When the new Vampire Davis returned to America, he began focusing on recruiting young players that would quench his immortal thirst for blood. As a vampire, Davis loves to feast off the life force of young offensive players; they bring him the most pleasure per bite. Why else would a team draft Darren McFaden in the first round when they already have a running back like Justin Fargas but no defense!? Davis’s twisted love for young offensive blood is no clearer than in the case of JaMarcus Russel. The young quarterback was picked first overall in the 2007 draft; apparently, quarterback blood is the most precious offensive sustenance a vampire can find. Since Russel’s draft into the Raiders organization, his life-force has slowly drained due to weekly Davis feedings, which the San Francisco Chronicle noticed in this article, when they wrote, “Russell looks smaller than he’s been since the Raiders drafted him with the No. 1 overall pick in April 2007. He is noticeably slimmer than when he arrived in September.” Russel is slimmer because his life is being sucked away by his Vampire owner… who knows how much longer he can survive?

As a Vampire football owner, Davis’s ability to pick the right players has been overshadowed by his quest for young offensive blood, and these skewed decisions have clearly hurt the Raiders. Since Davis was bitten five seasons ago, the Raiders have yet to win over five games in each year, illustrating the success of the NFL’s sinister scheme. Davis was even quoted as saying he would not retire until the Raiders won two more super bowls, which will obviously take an eternity, providing even further evidence of his Vampirical immortality.

In addition to their hatred of the Raiders, the NFL holds deep-seeded distaste for Davis himself. Davis had a famous rivalry with Pete Rozelle, the old NFL commissioner who died in 1996. As his foes continue to die due to their mortality, Davis lives on, so the NFL may have inadvertently engineered its own worst nightmare, unless Champ Bailey is actually Blade. Contrary to the original conspiracy theory, there is evidence that Davis was a vampire before the NFL sabotaged him in 2003, in 1982 Davis successfully sued the NFL to allow the Raiders to move to Los Angeles, which is the global headquarters of soulless blood-suckers.

The New Orleans Saints Hurricane Katrina Conspiracy

The morning that Hurricane Katrina smashed into New Orleans, John McCain enjoyed his birthday cake with George Bush in Arizona, taking time to pose for the press instead of addressing the chaos that was engulfing Louisiana. This was just one of the many horrifying mistakes the U.S. government made in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, but for a brief period the general public failed to notice the government’s severe ineptitude. Fortunately, a strong public backlash, led by the megalomaniac Kanye West and his famous fundraiser comments brought the nation together in distaste for their political leaders. The government realized they needed a feel good story to get the public’s mind off their horrible Hurricane mistakes. The politicians theorized that a winning season for the New Orleans Saints would serve as the perfect symbol of the city’s successful rejuvenation. It’s easier for the government to show off a rebuilt football team instead of a rebuilt New Orleans, so major political officials secretly met with the NFL and concocted a plan to ensure the Saints a winning season and get the nation’s mind off their inability to protect American citizens.

With the help of the NFL conspiracy, the Saints were able to go 10-6 in the regular season and win the NFC South, enjoying the most successful season in the team’s history after floundering like oil executives in a Senate hearing the previous year. The conspiracy became all too clear in the Monday Night Football game against the Atlanta Falcons. This was the Saint’s first home game of the 2006 season, and it was the second most-watched cable television broadcast in history, the government had a large audience to brainwash.

Prior to the game Atlanta had the number one rushing offense and New Orleans had one of the worst rushing defenses. The Saints were coming off a dismal year, and it seemed like there was no chance they would win. However, after the NFL secretly injected Saints players with super-enhancer performance drugs supplied by the government, the Saints were able to crush the heavily favored Falcons. These super-enhancers were tested on American soldiers in Vietnam as well as Barry Bonds, and while previous batches made the subjects go insane and hallucinate, the final super-enhancer mixture actually increased reaction time and strength. How else do you explain the famous blocked punt during the game and the Saints ungodly domination of a team that was destined to destroy them?

The NFL didn’t want to inject the Saints with super-enhancers every game, it would have made the conspiracy too obvious, but they made sure the Saints won just enough games to build an inspiring season, but not arise unwanted suspicion. After their inspirational 2006 run the government stopped supplying the Saints with performance enhancers and they finished the next season with an unimpressive 7 and 9 record. Another NFL conspiracy successfully completed.

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Species Swap

Posted by viveknarain on May 8, 2008

After several failed reality show pitches, I finally created a winner. Titled Species Swap, this show will bridge the gap between humanity and the natural world, putting modern man back in touch with the animal kingdom and inspiring our culture to live a greener lifestyle.

The rules are simple; each contestant is assigned a specific animal species and they compete to see who can better live as their chosen animal counterpart. Species Swap has already undergone several test episodes, and after working out most of the initial kinks, I think this show could be the next Real World. We were able to learn a lot from the early test episodes; unfortunately it was at the expense of some of the contestants.

Episode 1 – Bears

We wanted to start things off big, so we decided, what’s cooler than getting our first contestant to infiltrate the world of bears? Bears are the largest land carnivores on our planet and exude a tantalizing mixture mystique and brute strength that is guaranteed to drive in viewers. The crew figured we could channel the popularity of the Grizzly Man documentary, which proved that audiences love to watch humans interact with massive blood-thirsty beasts. Unfortunately, our first Species Swap episode ended exactly like Grizzly Man, except we weren’t respectful enough to remove the footage of our subject’s violent death, which Fox Network executives absolutely loved.

Episode 2 – Tigers

The crew theorized that the source of our early failure was the inability to create an authentic animal costume, which is why our contestant was disemboweled and served for bear dinner so quickly in the first episode. We decided to hire the world’s top theatrical costume designers to create an excellent tiger costume for Episode 2. Anticipating a blockbuster smash, we took our new contestant and his brilliant Bengal Tiger outfit to India and began filming as he adapted to the man-eating tiger world. Unfortunately, a Saudi Prince happened to end his hunting expedition the same day we started shooting, and on his way out of the jungle decided he wanted to take a souvenir tiger back to his home palace. While Species Swap cameras trailed quietly behind the tiger mimicking contestant, our star was suddenly swept up by the Prince’s hunting party and before we could react accordingly, he was locked in an iron cage and airlifted out of the country. We haven’t heard from him since.

Episode 3 – Sharks

We had learned enough by Episode 3 to have a clear understanding of what was needed to engineer the perfect show, so we created a costume that would allow contestants to integrate themselves safely into the natural world. Armed with the massive budget we earned after the Saudi Prince gave us a small stake in his oil fields when we agreed to keep quiet about our missing tiger contestant, the crew created a one-man ultra-futuristic submersible vehicle that not only looked exactly like a Great White Shark, but could replicate the agility and speed of the incredible predator. Contestant safety had always been our first priority, so the Shark Sub was fitted with extra oxygen tanks and multiple armor layers, insuring that no shark could bite through. Unfortunately, the Department of Homeland Security picked up on the Shark Sub’s movements only a few minutes into our first trial run, and confusing our technologically adept reality show creation for an Iranian terrorist sub, they sent out a nearby Los Angeles class nuclear submarine that promptly obliterated our contestant.

Episode 4 – Snakes

We didn’t realize the American government had ruined our latest episode until floating Shark Sub debris began rising to the surface. We decided that the next episode had to take place somewhere that no one really cared about, so we headed to the American Bible Belt. The crew designed a remarkable anti-venom snake costume for our latest contestant. As long as you don’t have to worry about getting bitten, snakes are remarkably easy to live with. Unfortunately, some of those Christian fundamentalist “Snake Handlers” captured our contestant while he sunbathed with some baby rattle snakes. They used our contestant in one of their snake bite ceremonies, which recent presidential dropout and fanatical Christian fundamentalist Mike Huckabee happened to join. As each real snake leapt out and fatally bit its lunatic handler, our star did his best snake bite impersonation, which failed to break Huckabee’s leathery Baptist skin. Obviously, Huckabee didn’t die from this bite, and the congregation believed he had been chosen by God to live forever.

A powerful evangelical movement grew around Huckabee’s new God-like snake power, propelling the ex-Arkansas governor to run on the independent ticket for the 2008 Presidential election. The story of his snake bite survival spread throughout the country and he became a mythological figure, which ultimately helped him win the presidential election, narrowly defeating the nations first two headed mutant candidate, which formed after Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton fell into a pit of radioactive ooze at the Democratic convention and their bodies melded together to create one incredibly hope-filled but physically hideous Democratic candidate.

Episode 5 – Mountain Gorilla

Upon Huckabee’s ascension to the United States Presidency, a sweeping criminal reform movement took place that jailed anyone who wasn’t a Christian fundamentalist. To save my own ass, I informed Huckabee that the snake that bit him was actually a contestant from my botched reality show. Realizing that I was the reason he had achieved ultimate Democratic power, the good Christian Huckabee granted me and my crew a full pardon, but demanded that we continue the show in his honor. We promptly set out to the Congo to being filming our next contestant living with the endangered Silverback Gorilla. Knowing that male Silverbacks are highly territorial, we gave the constant a female suit and sprayed him with female pheromones to mask his male scent and protect him from aggressive males. Unfortunately the plan backfired because we started filming during the mating season, so instead of attacking our contestant, every Silverback male for 30 miles traveled down from the mountains to have their way with the suited man. The resulting Gorilla group orgy lasted for three days, and we were powerless to do anything to stop it because Silverbacks are endangered, so the use of force to save our contestant would have resulted in an extended visit to a Congolese prison. However, over 72 hours of Gorilla sexual plundering created some truly disturbing footage that Fox executives did not want to air, but still bought for “personal research.”

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