Vivek Narain on Life

The musings of a man preparing for a mission

The Wilt Chamberlain of Cars

Posted by viveknarain on May 28, 2008

Prepare for weirdness… This lunatic claims to have had sex with 1,000 cars.

This so-called “Mechaphiliac,” who’s name is Edward Smith, actually has romantic attachments with these automobiles and is currently living with his “girlfriend,” which happens to be a Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla.

I really don’t understand how one goes about having sex with a car, but apparently it is possible. I wonder if Smith considers Avis and Hertz his own personal brothels? I mean, if you really do like to get intimate with cars it must be a pretty nice life, you can just go and buy a new girlfriend whenever you want.

Not to get stuck on technicalities, but how can you actually have sex with a car? The tail pipe is the only obvious choice for me. Maybe poking a hole in the seat? Or getting nasty with glove compartment? I really don’t know how Smith does it, and he doesn’t go into any details about the actual sexing in the article.

No matter what your sex template is, 1,000 is a ridiculously huge number of partners, and Smith’s promiscuity is extremely disturbing. In the article Smith explains that many of the cars he sexes are either stranger’s or from car show rooms… great. Now I run the risk of getting into a car that has been violated by some crazy auto-sex fiend, do you think that should be included on a Car Fax vehicle history report?

Personally, I feel bad for the cars because they are unwitting sex-crime victims who lack the ability to say “NO.” Why does Smith think the cars actually reciprocate his twisted love? A car can’t stop you from making love to it, so doesn’t that count as an unlawful sex act? One of Smith’s past “girlfriends” was another VW Beatle he bought from a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I know for a fact that a Jehovah Witness car is not ok with premaritial sex! Corvette’s and Honda’s are the skanks of the car world, and I’m sure they are fine with a weird human invading them in strange ways, but a VW Beatle from a family of Witnesses? There is no way that sex was consenting. Shame on you Edward Smith, you are both a bad, and a very strange person.


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