Vivek Narain on Life

The musings of a man preparing for a mission

Archive for the ‘Madness’ Category

Flat Belly Diet vs. Fat Belly Diet

Posted by viveknarain on August 6, 2008

So it’s obvious that the Flat Belly Diet is a gimmick. I’m sick of all these phony dieting crazes that trick unhealthy people into thinking there is some magical way to loose weight without doing any work. So I came up with my own diet that actually does work. I call it the Fat Belly Diet, and it’s guaranteed to give you the spare tire you always dreamed of.

Breakfast

Two fistfuls of goldfish and a breadbowl with nacho cheese. Fist nacho cheese with goldfish and consume, make sure you eat all the bread.

Lunch

A warm glass of Country Club Malt Liquor and an Ultimate Double Cheeseburger from Jack in the Box. Can’t really say much more about that.

Dinner

Mix Mountain Dew and Kool Aid into a water cooler to keep your thirst quenched throughout this meal. A dozen mozzarella cheese sticks will serve as the appetizer. To prepare the main course, wallpaper a country fried steak with bacon. Fry everything and set over a bed of ranch sauce. Douse with country gravy before eating.

Dessert

All you need for dessert is one of these babies – Elephant Bar’s Giant Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich

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The Wilt Chamberlain of Cars

Posted by viveknarain on May 28, 2008

Prepare for weirdness… This lunatic claims to have had sex with 1,000 cars.

This so-called “Mechaphiliac,” who’s name is Edward Smith, actually has romantic attachments with these automobiles and is currently living with his “girlfriend,” which happens to be a Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla.

I really don’t understand how one goes about having sex with a car, but apparently it is possible. I wonder if Smith considers Avis and Hertz his own personal brothels? I mean, if you really do like to get intimate with cars it must be a pretty nice life, you can just go and buy a new girlfriend whenever you want.

Not to get stuck on technicalities, but how can you actually have sex with a car? The tail pipe is the only obvious choice for me. Maybe poking a hole in the seat? Or getting nasty with glove compartment? I really don’t know how Smith does it, and he doesn’t go into any details about the actual sexing in the article.

No matter what your sex template is, 1,000 is a ridiculously huge number of partners, and Smith’s promiscuity is extremely disturbing. In the article Smith explains that many of the cars he sexes are either stranger’s or from car show rooms… great. Now I run the risk of getting into a car that has been violated by some crazy auto-sex fiend, do you think that should be included on a Car Fax vehicle history report?

Personally, I feel bad for the cars because they are unwitting sex-crime victims who lack the ability to say “NO.” Why does Smith think the cars actually reciprocate his twisted love? A car can’t stop you from making love to it, so doesn’t that count as an unlawful sex act? One of Smith’s past “girlfriends” was another VW Beatle he bought from a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I know for a fact that a Jehovah Witness car is not ok with premaritial sex! Corvette’s and Honda’s are the skanks of the car world, and I’m sure they are fine with a weird human invading them in strange ways, but a VW Beatle from a family of Witnesses? There is no way that sex was consenting. Shame on you Edward Smith, you are both a bad, and a very strange person.

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Ghetto Puppets…There is hope

Posted by viveknarain on May 24, 2008

please vote for it on digg !

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Al Reynolds MySpace Quiz

Posted by viveknarain on May 23, 2008

Al Reynolds has been crucified by the media for his MySpace and Facebook comments in conjunction with All-Star Jones. Every aspect of the situation is sad… a professional investment banker pouring out his emotions on social networking sites like a teenage girl, and then respected web media outlets like Yahoo News actually picking up the story as legitimate news. Mass media’s slide down the slippery slope of sensationalism is already beyond fixing, but it’s not too late to save Al Reynolds.

Reynold’s missed out on a golden opportunity to showcase the true power of MySpace while venting his childish emotions. So this is for you Al, my version of what your MySpace page should have looked like. Instead of all that unfocused ranting, you should have expressed yourself through a classic MySpace quiz, it is the slickest and easiest way for people to understand your deepest and most meaningful adolescent feelings.

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The Real Life Forum Comic

Posted by viveknarain on April 3, 2008

Just wanted to let everyone know that I’ve started a new side blog/online comic series tentatively titled The Vivek Narain Real Life Forum Comic.

I created the first episode today and I’m working on a few more right now, so the series remains in its infantile stages, but I’m hoping to expand it quickly.

The inspiration behind the comic comes from my own forum experiences. I’ve noticed while participating on various boards that people say the most idiotic things for no reason other than they know they can get away with it because it’s on the internet. Being able to post your thoughts anonymously gives these people a certain power which they quickly abuse by being vulgar and stupid. So I got to thinking, what would happen if people made these comments in real life and not on the internet? Thus, my comic series was born. I only use real forum discussions in the comic, none of text is fictional.

As you can tell from my blog, I’m absolutely against web censorship. I believe our ability to post thoughts anonymously and say whatever is on our minds without fear of reprisal is what makes the internet so incredible. I created the comic because I wanted to poke fun at some of the jerks that cloud up the digital world and take the web’s privileges for granted. I don’t believe what these people are doing is wrong, I just think they’re stupid. I plan to update the comic fairly regularly because I’m never at a loss for inspiration, the internet is full of idiots.

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Castro Unisex Body Lotion and My Plea to the Mysterious Searcher

Posted by viveknarain on April 2, 2008

Like most WordPress users, I love to peruse the Blog Stats feature on the WordPress dashboard and see who’s been looking at my work. One of the unique features on the dashboard actually allows bloggers to see what search engine terms people have used to find their blog.

While on my normal Monday procrastination routine, I noticed an interesting search term that someone had used to find this very site. Dispersed among my normal search terms, which include World Dictators, Hillary Clinton Robots, and Star Wars Football Players, I found a curious piece of search language that completely shattered my view of reality. Someone, or something, found my blog by searching for Castro Unisex Body Lotion.

Now what in the world are you looking for when you type in Castro Unisex Body Lotion? This question has haunted me ever since I discovered the phrase, and I have decided that I must do everything and anything in my power to contact the human being who committed this outlandish search engine act.

Whoever this mysterious web surfer may be, I speak directly to you now, and I beg that you return to my blog and leave a comment explaining yourself and just what you were hoping to find by searching for Castro Unisex Body Lotion. The very idea, the very image, the sheer imagination and chutzpa involved in such a web search baffles me. I must meet you mystery searcher, I must find out what went through your mind. I beg you to share with me and my readers what you were searching for. In an effort to appease you, I have discovered what I think you were looking for.

“One Sex. One Dream.”

How do you think Castro survived all those CIA assassination attempts over the years? The key to his success was an expertly scented and gender neutral body lotion that was previously reserved only for other world dictators, but is now set for release to the general public in early 2009. This new public line of Castro Unisex Body Lotion, known to the world simply as Uni, uses the finest, most exotic herbs and spices on the planet, which have been hand picked by an aging Castro himself. The secret Uni lotion mixture also combines the Amazon’s rarest frog bones and Capybara tears to create a concoction that smells and lathers so eloquently, no sex should be without it. The final mixture is fermented in a pregnant Snow Leopard hide for 15 months before it is ready for bottling. Thanks to Castro’s commitment to excellence, a lotion now exists that transcends all gender bias, and protects you from exploding cigars.

Is this what you wanted mysterious searcher? Will I ever hear from you, or will you be just another enigma of web insanity, destined to remain forever lost in the depths of cyber space? If you find this blog again, please leave a comment explaining yourself.

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Afro Samurai Means Business

Posted by viveknarain on January 15, 2008

Well since this will serve as my first post, I have to start with a disclaimer.

I am not a fan of anime.

So when you read the blog title and start to think, “Look at this anime lover,” you must realize that this is far from the truth because I hate anime. I think it’s a stupid, over saturated and over hyped form of trivial entertainment that amounts to nothing more than a glorified coloring book for idiots. That being said, I watched Afro Samurai last night, and it completely blew me away.

Afro Samurai

No joke man, Afro Samurai kicks some serious ass, and it has singlehandedly given me faith that good anime exists in this world. Maybe I’m biased because I love Kung Fu movies, but Afro Samurai takes the vintage feel of classic Kung Fu brutality and style, and infuses it with completely kick ass fighting scenes to produce one of the most epic and violent stories I have ever seen played out before my eyes. Simply put, Afro Samurai rules, and I know this seems like a random post for my inaugural piece of writing, but I loved Afro Samurai so much that I had to share my feelings with the world right away. I highly recommend Afro Samurai to anyone who likes awesome action flicks.

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