Vivek Narain on Life

The musings of a man preparing for a mission

Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

Euro Fighter 08

Posted by viveknarain on June 29, 2008

As two international heavyweights prepare for the violent final battle, we spotlight the strengths and weakness of some of the world’s greatest football-fighters, who will showcase their skills during tomorrow’s epic Euro struggle.

Rhyu Ballack

Rhyu Ballack is the most recognizable character on the field and the fearless leader of the German side. A legend in the football-fighting world, he is renowned for his strength and ability to blend styles that rely on both brute force and stylish grace. He is a dedicated football technician and is both unrelenting and unforgiving. Ballack will rocket the ball violently into the net with a spine splitting free kick or neck severing header, but it is his leadership that must shine if Germany is too win the European championship.

Chun-Li Fabregas

Quick and agile, and completely dedicated to avenging the losses suffered by Spain in previous international battles, Chun-Li Fabregas is a formidable opponent, even though he may not look like one. His flurry of kicks and lightning quickness can tear apart the German defense, which will struggle to stifle his clever distribution skills, and they can’t afford to ignore his deadly striking ability.

Blanka Schweinsteiger

Blanka Schweinsteiger is clearly more monster than human. He is a savage player and hideous beast who can strike ferociously anywhere on the pitch. Schweinsteiger’s goal scoring heroics in the last two Euro games helped bring Germany to the final, so Spain knows they must reign in this creature if they have any hope of winning.

Vega Torres

Vega Torres is easily the fastest player on the pitch, but he is also one of the most delicate, his ability to deal with physical defenders is not comparable to his mind bending open-field speed. Torres’s quickness and high flying style allows him to score intricate goals that incorporate a series of complicated high speed moves. Torres is even long rage threat with his sinister goal scoring claw. Combined with his narcissistic attitude and flowing blond hair, Germany will need to focus on this flashy speedster if they want to win.

Zangief Metzelder

This massive defender is an impentertable force along the German back line. Annihlating any ariel attack that dares to enter his part of the field, Zangief Metzelder uses his massive physicality to demolish attackers. Spain will have to use their speed and agility to get around this force of defensive brutality.

Sergio Gile

With indisputable offensive prowess, especially for a fullback, Sergio Gile’s sonic boom attacks that originate from his defensive position are a key part of Spain’s game plan. Gile’s offensive firepower is indisputable, but he is a legendary hothead who may leave his side open to a German counter attack.

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NBA X-Men, The Celtics vs. The Lakers

Posted by viveknarain on June 14, 2008

*UPDATE*

Celtics beat the Lakers 131-92 in Game 6 of the NBA Finals. So, just like I predicted in the Super Bowl Star Wars Post,  good once again crushes evil!  Maybe I should start betting on these games.

A race of superhuman mutants, born with athletic powers greater than any normal human could imagine, remain locked in an epic final duel, the outcome of which will decide the very fate of humanity. Many of these creatures believe in peaceful coexistence with the meager humans who share their world, but some care more about personal glory and power, and will stop at nothing to win.

The C-Men are a team of courageous super-players sworn to battle these evil forces and their unstoppable super-villain leader who’s incredible basketball powers and gigantic ego threaten to destroy the human race. Can the C-Men work as a team and defeat this omnipotent evil force in the final battle to decide the fate of our basketball world?

Garnerine

Garnerinre is the most fearsome of the C-Men, boasting incredible strength and offensive prowess. Garnerine can defeat almost any foe by utilizing an unbridled mixture of emotion, skill, and indestructible physicality. His strength and fearsome clawhands have helped him become an unstoppable defensive force as well, claiming the NBA Defensive Mutant of the Year award in the 2007-2008 season. However, his own passion is his Achilles Heel, as sometimes he is unable to control the rage inside, rendering him useless at key moments.

Kobocalypse

Kobocalypse is the single most powerful mutant player on earth, with the ability to annihilate entire teams by himself. It will take all of the C-Men’s combined powers to destroy him. Despite his unstoppable basketball powers, it is Kobocalypse’s massive ego that threatens to destroy us all. If he wins the Finals, the ego will grow too big for our planet to sustain, spiraling earth out of orbit and into the sun. Four minions take the court alongside Kobocalypse, but they are easily handled by the C-Men. Like most evil henchmen, they are simply fodder who only get in the way as the heroes try to handle the super-villain. Kobocalypse leads by fear, his court followers are forced to listen while he insults them for every mistake and bullies them into acquiescence. Kobocalypse shows no mercy as he flexes his unstoppable basketball capabilities, he knows he is the most powerful creature on the court, and revels in his unrelenting superhuman nature. It will take a lot of teamwork for the C-Men obliterate this monstrosity.

Cyclopierce

Cyclopierce is the C-Men’s leader on the court, using his precision optic lasers to score hordes of points and decimate his opponents. Cyclopierce does his best to reign in the unfettered emotion and intensity of Garnerine, but he is often unsuccessful. Unfortunately, Cyclopierce’s own powers are difficult to control and he occasionally becomes weak, leaving the team to fend for themselves. He is an extremely loyal leader; his entire evil-fighting career has been with the C-Men.

Gasoltooth

Gasoltooth is the most hideous of the evil mutants, and the arch enemy of Garnerine, going head to head with him throughout the final battle. Gasoltooth’s bestial super abilities have caused him to grow freakish hair and rise to an impressive physical height, but he still gets severely abused by Garnerine up and down the mutant court.

Ray Stormlen

Ray Stormlen has the mutant capabilities necessary to destroy all who stand before him, with a three-point accuracy that can rain down the power of the elements on his opponents. However, the stress of controlling such raw shot power affects Stormlen, and he is not always able to harness his power correctly, accounting for some disappointingly unreliable play.

Doc X

Doc X is the wise leader of the C-Men who helped create the unstoppable team, teaching them how to hone their mutant skills and work together as a synchronized superhuman unit of basketball dominance. He has has the ability to control minds with his incredible mental basketball power, and he can even appease the unforgiving Boston press, but only with the help of Cerebro.

Phil Jagneto

Uncompromising and unrelenting, Jagneto will crush anyone and anything on his path to ultimate basketball glory. With a long history of annihilating opponents, Jagneto uses his magnetic coachability to impale other teams with triangle offense, while manipulating his own team with evil mind games (images of Hitler in 2000 playoff game against Sacramento).

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NFL Conspiracy Post

Posted by viveknarain on May 22, 2008

The NFL owners recently voted to give Super Bowl hosting rights to the Indianapolis Colts in 2012. I know the Colts probably won’t be as good in 2012 as they are now, but it still seems a little fishy. Sure, the Colts are building the new Lucas Oil Stadium, an impressive retractable-roof behemoth, but Super Bowl’s are historically hosted in warm weather cities, this will be only the fourth time in history that the Super Bowl has been in a cold weather area. Can you imagine the Colts with home field advantage in the Super Bowl? It seems much more likely to happen with the Colts than with teams like the Arizona Cardinals, who hosted last season’s Super Bowl. Is this some kind of NFL conspiracy? Maybe not, but it brings to mind several other famous football conspiracies that you may or may not be familiar with.

Al Davis Vampire Conspiracy

The Oakland Raiders are clearly the black sheep of the National Football League, and it’s obvious that the NFL bureaucracy has a vendetta against them. The Raiders lack the refined, bourgeoisie football style of teams like the New England Patriots, and also fail to exude the all-American boy-next-door image like Peyton Manning and the Colts. The Raiders represent the dark side of football, and if you’ve ever tailgated at a Raiders game or witnessed the Black Hole in action, you would understand the terrifying levels of chaos and insanity portrayed within the Raider culture. The Raiders are the rebels of the NFL, and they stand for everything the modern league is trying to move away from, which is why the NFL concocted a sinister plan to keep the franchise out of football power.

After the Raiders reached Super Bowl XXXVII, loosing to the Buccaneers by 27 points, the NFL realized the Oakland team was becoming too powerful, so they decided to bring the Raiders down for good. The NFL contacted Raiders owner Al Davis and told him there was a special Super Bowl runner-up retreat in Transylvania. Davis took the bait and hit the first international flight to the foreboding area, where he was promptly bitten by a vampire the NFL hired to track him (who was possibly related to Pac-Man Jones). When the new Vampire Davis returned to America, he began focusing on recruiting young players that would quench his immortal thirst for blood. As a vampire, Davis loves to feast off the life force of young offensive players; they bring him the most pleasure per bite. Why else would a team draft Darren McFaden in the first round when they already have a running back like Justin Fargas but no defense!? Davis’s twisted love for young offensive blood is no clearer than in the case of JaMarcus Russel. The young quarterback was picked first overall in the 2007 draft; apparently, quarterback blood is the most precious offensive sustenance a vampire can find. Since Russel’s draft into the Raiders organization, his life-force has slowly drained due to weekly Davis feedings, which the San Francisco Chronicle noticed in this article, when they wrote, “Russell looks smaller than he’s been since the Raiders drafted him with the No. 1 overall pick in April 2007. He is noticeably slimmer than when he arrived in September.” Russel is slimmer because his life is being sucked away by his Vampire owner… who knows how much longer he can survive?

As a Vampire football owner, Davis’s ability to pick the right players has been overshadowed by his quest for young offensive blood, and these skewed decisions have clearly hurt the Raiders. Since Davis was bitten five seasons ago, the Raiders have yet to win over five games in each year, illustrating the success of the NFL’s sinister scheme. Davis was even quoted as saying he would not retire until the Raiders won two more super bowls, which will obviously take an eternity, providing even further evidence of his Vampirical immortality.

In addition to their hatred of the Raiders, the NFL holds deep-seeded distaste for Davis himself. Davis had a famous rivalry with Pete Rozelle, the old NFL commissioner who died in 1996. As his foes continue to die due to their mortality, Davis lives on, so the NFL may have inadvertently engineered its own worst nightmare, unless Champ Bailey is actually Blade. Contrary to the original conspiracy theory, there is evidence that Davis was a vampire before the NFL sabotaged him in 2003, in 1982 Davis successfully sued the NFL to allow the Raiders to move to Los Angeles, which is the global headquarters of soulless blood-suckers.

The New Orleans Saints Hurricane Katrina Conspiracy

The morning that Hurricane Katrina smashed into New Orleans, John McCain enjoyed his birthday cake with George Bush in Arizona, taking time to pose for the press instead of addressing the chaos that was engulfing Louisiana. This was just one of the many horrifying mistakes the U.S. government made in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, but for a brief period the general public failed to notice the government’s severe ineptitude. Fortunately, a strong public backlash, led by the megalomaniac Kanye West and his famous fundraiser comments brought the nation together in distaste for their political leaders. The government realized they needed a feel good story to get the public’s mind off their horrible Hurricane mistakes. The politicians theorized that a winning season for the New Orleans Saints would serve as the perfect symbol of the city’s successful rejuvenation. It’s easier for the government to show off a rebuilt football team instead of a rebuilt New Orleans, so major political officials secretly met with the NFL and concocted a plan to ensure the Saints a winning season and get the nation’s mind off their inability to protect American citizens.

With the help of the NFL conspiracy, the Saints were able to go 10-6 in the regular season and win the NFC South, enjoying the most successful season in the team’s history after floundering like oil executives in a Senate hearing the previous year. The conspiracy became all too clear in the Monday Night Football game against the Atlanta Falcons. This was the Saint’s first home game of the 2006 season, and it was the second most-watched cable television broadcast in history, the government had a large audience to brainwash.

Prior to the game Atlanta had the number one rushing offense and New Orleans had one of the worst rushing defenses. The Saints were coming off a dismal year, and it seemed like there was no chance they would win. However, after the NFL secretly injected Saints players with super-enhancer performance drugs supplied by the government, the Saints were able to crush the heavily favored Falcons. These super-enhancers were tested on American soldiers in Vietnam as well as Barry Bonds, and while previous batches made the subjects go insane and hallucinate, the final super-enhancer mixture actually increased reaction time and strength. How else do you explain the famous blocked punt during the game and the Saints ungodly domination of a team that was destined to destroy them?

The NFL didn’t want to inject the Saints with super-enhancers every game, it would have made the conspiracy too obvious, but they made sure the Saints won just enough games to build an inspiring season, but not arise unwanted suspicion. After their inspirational 2006 run the government stopped supplying the Saints with performance enhancers and they finished the next season with an unimpressive 7 and 9 record. Another NFL conspiracy successfully completed.

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Super Bowl XLII – The Star Wars Version

Posted by viveknarain on February 1, 2008

A long time ago, on a Sunday far, far away…

It is a dark time for the NFL Galaxy. The evil Patriot Empire has crushed all opponents in the football universe, utilizing incredible offensive fire power to destroy Rebel forces struggling to loosen the Empire’s unbeatable grasp on the universe.

The Empire is only one step away from completing their unfinished annihilation of the NFL, and it’s up to the Rebel Giants to meet them on the final stage of battle and save the galaxy from the Patriot’s tyrannical grasp. This will truly be an epic struggle, but will it be a Strike Back or the Return? The key may just be found below.

Tom Brader

This dark lord wields unstoppable football force that crushes all teams attempting to stand before him. By committing his soul to the Empire, Brader has amassed unimaginable power, harnessing the anger and rage built up from a universe of trash talkers. Brader is a veteran imperial fighter who has already won three super bowls and mercilessly defeated all jedibacks who have faced him this year, leaving only one brave soul to face him in the final battle.

Eli Mannwalker

Mannwalker’s family heritage is rich in football force, and this Rebel hero has slowly grown to harness the power in his blood. Mannwalker’s obi-wan like brother revealed the ways of the force, but was defeated by Brader earlier this year, instilling dangerous thoughts of revenge in Mannwalker’s young mind. It doesn’t seem like Mannwalker has much of a chance against the power of Brader and the Empire, but it’s quite possible Brader could reveal that Mannwalker is part of his illustrious string of illegitimate children strewn across the country.

Emperor Belichick

The unstoppable head of the Empire will do anything to win, utilizing his dark powers to crush weaker opponents without sympathy. The Emperor is happy to run up scores and smash his challengers into oblivion. Emperor Belichick’s mastery of football force makes him a formidable adversary, and the weapons amassed in his arsenal have created an unstoppable Patriot Empire that surely looks unbeatable against the Rebel Giants, who have already been crushed by the Empire once before.

Boba Moss

Boba Moss is a cutthroat, touchdown seeking bounty hunter who moves from team to team annihilating his targets with calculating precision and incredible strength. Moss is the football galaxy’s most brutal touchdown hunter, just give him the proper contract and consider your opponent destroyed. Boba Moss’s rocket pack helps him fly down the field and make catches unreachable to anyone but him. The law means nothing to Moss; he only cares about fulfilling his contract and getting the glory.

Bruschi the Hut

Getting tackled by Bruschi the Hut is like getting thrown into the Sarlacc Pit, except it’s over a little quicker. Bruschi is the empire’s defensive crime lord, leading a horde of other shady characters as they hunt down opponent’s teams without pity. Bruschi the Hut will do whatever it takes to gobble up an enemy football.

Plaxolo

Dashing and daring, this fluid football pilot doesn’t hold back his tongue, reveling in trash talk and never backing down from a fight. Plaxolo is a formidable fighter, and his speed and agility in football space makes him one of the Rebel’s top assets. While many cower in fear of the Empire, Plaxolo openly mocks their scoring capabilities, heading into battle with a chip on his shoulder and a blaster on his hip.

Michael Strewbacca

This gigantic Wookie behemoth may be covered in hair and impossible to understand, but his unprecedented strength and loyalty to the Rebel Giant side is unquestionable. Strewbacca is a hard working beast that never gives up, and his massive arms are great for rapping up Imperial quarterbacks, you just wouldn’t want to let him sit on your new couch.

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