Vivek Narain on Life

The musings of a man preparing for a mission

NFL Conspiracy Post

Posted by viveknarain on May 22, 2008

The NFL owners recently voted to give Super Bowl hosting rights to the Indianapolis Colts in 2012. I know the Colts probably won’t be as good in 2012 as they are now, but it still seems a little fishy. Sure, the Colts are building the new Lucas Oil Stadium, an impressive retractable-roof behemoth, but Super Bowl’s are historically hosted in warm weather cities, this will be only the fourth time in history that the Super Bowl has been in a cold weather area. Can you imagine the Colts with home field advantage in the Super Bowl? It seems much more likely to happen with the Colts than with teams like the Arizona Cardinals, who hosted last season’s Super Bowl. Is this some kind of NFL conspiracy? Maybe not, but it brings to mind several other famous football conspiracies that you may or may not be familiar with.

Al Davis Vampire Conspiracy

The Oakland Raiders are clearly the black sheep of the National Football League, and it’s obvious that the NFL bureaucracy has a vendetta against them. The Raiders lack the refined, bourgeoisie football style of teams like the New England Patriots, and also fail to exude the all-American boy-next-door image like Peyton Manning and the Colts. The Raiders represent the dark side of football, and if you’ve ever tailgated at a Raiders game or witnessed the Black Hole in action, you would understand the terrifying levels of chaos and insanity portrayed within the Raider culture. The Raiders are the rebels of the NFL, and they stand for everything the modern league is trying to move away from, which is why the NFL concocted a sinister plan to keep the franchise out of football power.

After the Raiders reached Super Bowl XXXVII, loosing to the Buccaneers by 27 points, the NFL realized the Oakland team was becoming too powerful, so they decided to bring the Raiders down for good. The NFL contacted Raiders owner Al Davis and told him there was a special Super Bowl runner-up retreat in Transylvania. Davis took the bait and hit the first international flight to the foreboding area, where he was promptly bitten by a vampire the NFL hired to track him (who was possibly related to Pac-Man Jones). When the new Vampire Davis returned to America, he began focusing on recruiting young players that would quench his immortal thirst for blood. As a vampire, Davis loves to feast off the life force of young offensive players; they bring him the most pleasure per bite. Why else would a team draft Darren McFaden in the first round when they already have a running back like Justin Fargas but no defense!? Davis’s twisted love for young offensive blood is no clearer than in the case of JaMarcus Russel. The young quarterback was picked first overall in the 2007 draft; apparently, quarterback blood is the most precious offensive sustenance a vampire can find. Since Russel’s draft into the Raiders organization, his life-force has slowly drained due to weekly Davis feedings, which the San Francisco Chronicle noticed in this article, when they wrote, “Russell looks smaller than he’s been since the Raiders drafted him with the No. 1 overall pick in April 2007. He is noticeably slimmer than when he arrived in September.” Russel is slimmer because his life is being sucked away by his Vampire owner… who knows how much longer he can survive?

As a Vampire football owner, Davis’s ability to pick the right players has been overshadowed by his quest for young offensive blood, and these skewed decisions have clearly hurt the Raiders. Since Davis was bitten five seasons ago, the Raiders have yet to win over five games in each year, illustrating the success of the NFL’s sinister scheme. Davis was even quoted as saying he would not retire until the Raiders won two more super bowls, which will obviously take an eternity, providing even further evidence of his Vampirical immortality.

In addition to their hatred of the Raiders, the NFL holds deep-seeded distaste for Davis himself. Davis had a famous rivalry with Pete Rozelle, the old NFL commissioner who died in 1996. As his foes continue to die due to their mortality, Davis lives on, so the NFL may have inadvertently engineered its own worst nightmare, unless Champ Bailey is actually Blade. Contrary to the original conspiracy theory, there is evidence that Davis was a vampire before the NFL sabotaged him in 2003, in 1982 Davis successfully sued the NFL to allow the Raiders to move to Los Angeles, which is the global headquarters of soulless blood-suckers.

The New Orleans Saints Hurricane Katrina Conspiracy

The morning that Hurricane Katrina smashed into New Orleans, John McCain enjoyed his birthday cake with George Bush in Arizona, taking time to pose for the press instead of addressing the chaos that was engulfing Louisiana. This was just one of the many horrifying mistakes the U.S. government made in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, but for a brief period the general public failed to notice the government’s severe ineptitude. Fortunately, a strong public backlash, led by the megalomaniac Kanye West and his famous fundraiser comments brought the nation together in distaste for their political leaders. The government realized they needed a feel good story to get the public’s mind off their horrible Hurricane mistakes. The politicians theorized that a winning season for the New Orleans Saints would serve as the perfect symbol of the city’s successful rejuvenation. It’s easier for the government to show off a rebuilt football team instead of a rebuilt New Orleans, so major political officials secretly met with the NFL and concocted a plan to ensure the Saints a winning season and get the nation’s mind off their inability to protect American citizens.

With the help of the NFL conspiracy, the Saints were able to go 10-6 in the regular season and win the NFC South, enjoying the most successful season in the team’s history after floundering like oil executives in a Senate hearing the previous year. The conspiracy became all too clear in the Monday Night Football game against the Atlanta Falcons. This was the Saint’s first home game of the 2006 season, and it was the second most-watched cable television broadcast in history, the government had a large audience to brainwash.

Prior to the game Atlanta had the number one rushing offense and New Orleans had one of the worst rushing defenses. The Saints were coming off a dismal year, and it seemed like there was no chance they would win. However, after the NFL secretly injected Saints players with super-enhancer performance drugs supplied by the government, the Saints were able to crush the heavily favored Falcons. These super-enhancers were tested on American soldiers in Vietnam as well as Barry Bonds, and while previous batches made the subjects go insane and hallucinate, the final super-enhancer mixture actually increased reaction time and strength. How else do you explain the famous blocked punt during the game and the Saints ungodly domination of a team that was destined to destroy them?

The NFL didn’t want to inject the Saints with super-enhancers every game, it would have made the conspiracy too obvious, but they made sure the Saints won just enough games to build an inspiring season, but not arise unwanted suspicion. After their inspirational 2006 run the government stopped supplying the Saints with performance enhancers and they finished the next season with an unimpressive 7 and 9 record. Another NFL conspiracy successfully completed.

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Posted in Sports | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Species Swap

Posted by viveknarain on May 8, 2008

After several failed reality show pitches, I finally created a winner. Titled Species Swap, this show will bridge the gap between humanity and the natural world, putting modern man back in touch with the animal kingdom and inspiring our culture to live a greener lifestyle.

The rules are simple; each contestant is assigned a specific animal species and they compete to see who can better live as their chosen animal counterpart. Species Swap has already undergone several test episodes, and after working out most of the initial kinks, I think this show could be the next Real World. We were able to learn a lot from the early test episodes; unfortunately it was at the expense of some of the contestants.

Episode 1 – Bears

We wanted to start things off big, so we decided, what’s cooler than getting our first contestant to infiltrate the world of bears? Bears are the largest land carnivores on our planet and exude a tantalizing mixture mystique and brute strength that is guaranteed to drive in viewers. The crew figured we could channel the popularity of the Grizzly Man documentary, which proved that audiences love to watch humans interact with massive blood-thirsty beasts. Unfortunately, our first Species Swap episode ended exactly like Grizzly Man, except we weren’t respectful enough to remove the footage of our subject’s violent death, which Fox Network executives absolutely loved.

Episode 2 – Tigers

The crew theorized that the source of our early failure was the inability to create an authentic animal costume, which is why our contestant was disemboweled and served for bear dinner so quickly in the first episode. We decided to hire the world’s top theatrical costume designers to create an excellent tiger costume for Episode 2. Anticipating a blockbuster smash, we took our new contestant and his brilliant Bengal Tiger outfit to India and began filming as he adapted to the man-eating tiger world. Unfortunately, a Saudi Prince happened to end his hunting expedition the same day we started shooting, and on his way out of the jungle decided he wanted to take a souvenir tiger back to his home palace. While Species Swap cameras trailed quietly behind the tiger mimicking contestant, our star was suddenly swept up by the Prince’s hunting party and before we could react accordingly, he was locked in an iron cage and airlifted out of the country. We haven’t heard from him since.

Episode 3 – Sharks

We had learned enough by Episode 3 to have a clear understanding of what was needed to engineer the perfect show, so we created a costume that would allow contestants to integrate themselves safely into the natural world. Armed with the massive budget we earned after the Saudi Prince gave us a small stake in his oil fields when we agreed to keep quiet about our missing tiger contestant, the crew created a one-man ultra-futuristic submersible vehicle that not only looked exactly like a Great White Shark, but could replicate the agility and speed of the incredible predator. Contestant safety had always been our first priority, so the Shark Sub was fitted with extra oxygen tanks and multiple armor layers, insuring that no shark could bite through. Unfortunately, the Department of Homeland Security picked up on the Shark Sub’s movements only a few minutes into our first trial run, and confusing our technologically adept reality show creation for an Iranian terrorist sub, they sent out a nearby Los Angeles class nuclear submarine that promptly obliterated our contestant.

Episode 4 – Snakes

We didn’t realize the American government had ruined our latest episode until floating Shark Sub debris began rising to the surface. We decided that the next episode had to take place somewhere that no one really cared about, so we headed to the American Bible Belt. The crew designed a remarkable anti-venom snake costume for our latest contestant. As long as you don’t have to worry about getting bitten, snakes are remarkably easy to live with. Unfortunately, some of those Christian fundamentalist “Snake Handlers” captured our contestant while he sunbathed with some baby rattle snakes. They used our contestant in one of their snake bite ceremonies, which recent presidential dropout and fanatical Christian fundamentalist Mike Huckabee happened to join. As each real snake leapt out and fatally bit its lunatic handler, our star did his best snake bite impersonation, which failed to break Huckabee’s leathery Baptist skin. Obviously, Huckabee didn’t die from this bite, and the congregation believed he had been chosen by God to live forever.

A powerful evangelical movement grew around Huckabee’s new God-like snake power, propelling the ex-Arkansas governor to run on the independent ticket for the 2008 Presidential election. The story of his snake bite survival spread throughout the country and he became a mythological figure, which ultimately helped him win the presidential election, narrowly defeating the nations first two headed mutant candidate, which formed after Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton fell into a pit of radioactive ooze at the Democratic convention and their bodies melded together to create one incredibly hope-filled but physically hideous Democratic candidate.

Episode 5 – Mountain Gorilla

Upon Huckabee’s ascension to the United States Presidency, a sweeping criminal reform movement took place that jailed anyone who wasn’t a Christian fundamentalist. To save my own ass, I informed Huckabee that the snake that bit him was actually a contestant from my botched reality show. Realizing that I was the reason he had achieved ultimate Democratic power, the good Christian Huckabee granted me and my crew a full pardon, but demanded that we continue the show in his honor. We promptly set out to the Congo to being filming our next contestant living with the endangered Silverback Gorilla. Knowing that male Silverbacks are highly territorial, we gave the constant a female suit and sprayed him with female pheromones to mask his male scent and protect him from aggressive males. Unfortunately the plan backfired because we started filming during the mating season, so instead of attacking our contestant, every Silverback male for 30 miles traveled down from the mountains to have their way with the suited man. The resulting Gorilla group orgy lasted for three days, and we were powerless to do anything to stop it because Silverbacks are endangered, so the use of force to save our contestant would have resulted in an extended visit to a Congolese prison. However, over 72 hours of Gorilla sexual plundering created some truly disturbing footage that Fox executives did not want to air, but still bought for “personal research.”

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Gas Tax Holiday, Iraq Death Toll, Mission Accomplished, and the allure of GTA IV

Posted by viveknarain on April 30, 2008

Occasionally, a nice little package of misery and despair is delivered directly on my digital doorstep as our country’s major problems coincide in remarkably timely ways. The American death toll in Iraq reached a 7-month record high today, and tomorrow marks the five year anniversary of President Bush’s dramatic “Mission Accomplished” aircraft carrier proclamation, while Hillary Clinton and John McCain recently made their support for an absolutely idiotic gas tax cut public, highlighting the dire necessity of an informed and attentive American population to stop these scoundrels before our county falls into oblivion. But what do all my friends care about? Grand Theft Auto IV!!! (Actually, the only reason I’m not playing right now is my Xbox’s recent acquisition of the Red Ring of Death)

Clinton and McCain’s desire to cut the federal gas tax (18.4 cents a gallon) for three months is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to trick consumers and gather uninformed votes, much like Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” debacle tricked the American people into thinking that the Iraq War was about to end.

Not only will the removal of the federal gas tax fail to lower gas prices, it will siphon away important tax dollars from other programs that desperately need money. Suspending the tax will take $8.5 billion from the Highway Trust Fund, which is already reeling from a $3 billion loss. The Highway Trust fund helps maintain our nation’s roads and bridges, and is a necessary part of America’s infrastructure upkeep. Cutting such a wide monetary hole into this fund will not only endanger the condition of our roads and bridges, it will threaten the hundreds of thousand of jobs that are necessary to maintain these projects.

The tax cut is designed to offer extra support to oil companies, who will in turn decrease prices at the pump. However, there is little chance that this extra boost to oil company profits would help lower gas prices. Shell and BP have already reported record profits for this quarter, so why do they need government help to make even more money? The removal of the gas tax would only give more money to oil companies that are already swimming in it. If, by some stroke of luck, oil prices dramatically decreased because of this tax cut, lowering prices would increase oil demand, but many refineries are already working at their highest possible production level so they wouldn’t be able to keep up, and would inevitably be forced to drive prices back up.

There is absolutely no way this tax cut would help lower gas prices, but it is the type of proposal that makes Clinton and McCain look like superheroes in the eyes of uniformed Americans.

The omnipotent Obama called this gas tax cut “a gimmick,” which is exactly right, but that doesn’t make him any better than Hillary or McCain because he’s made the same mistake before. Obama has voted for a similar gas tax cut on three different occasions. Unsurprisingly, these proposals failed to provide any substantial drop in gas prices.

When President Bush landed like a soldier of fortune on the USS Abraham Lincoln five years ago, he proudly proclaimed that major combat operations in Iraq were over and that Iraq was a victory, while a “Mission Accomplished” banner brazenly shown behind him, illustrating how easy it is for our government to trick us with publicity stunts and flashy words. These gas tax proposals are an insult to American intelligence; just like the “Mission Accomplished” banner is an insult to all the American soldiers who have died in Iraq in the last half decade.

We’re already throwing mind-boggling sums of money into the war effort, so why throw away more for a pointless oil holiday? If the oil companies were struggling and needed help I might see the point of this tax removal, but with the current state of affairs in the oil business world, it just seems foolish.

That saddest thing about this skewed gas proposal is that it’s supposed to be part of a grandiose plan to fix the American energy crisis. However, I don’t think giving more money to oil companies and trying to get people to use more gas is a solution to our problem. Congress has spent years bickering over America’s clean energy strategy, effectively stamping it into the ground. Why is it so difficult for politicians to unite behind wind and solar energy production? Without Congress giving the proper backing to clean energy, our country remains a slave to oil. We are failing to do simple things that could solve our problems, and instead we decide to rely on foolish tax proposals that help the very industry who needs it the least. American clean energy companies are moving to other countries because of the failure of our government to protect them. How much longer will our government neglect the real energy issue and continue to frolic in the pockets of oil lobbyists… will it take another war? Will it take eight dollar a gallon gas prices? Maybe I should just cool down and pick up a copy of GTA IV – that would definitely keep me quiet.

Posted in Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

IT Wars

Posted by viveknarain on April 16, 2008

Since my first reality show concept, America’s Next Top Dictator, failed to attract any attention from the major television networks (I’m looking at you Fox… you accepted Battle of the Bods but denied me? I mean COME ON – Alright, calm down Vivek. You can’t let emotions cloud proper writing flow). In any case, my latest reality show proposal is guaranteed to spark an epic network bidding war. The name of this new television gem? IT Wars.

IT Wars will unveil the mysterious, exciting, and occasionally sexy world of the IT Professional to American audiences, creating a new reality TV series that is destined to top the ratings charts.

Most people think an IT job is filled with simple routine operating procedures and boring nerd-work, which is completely true, except when reality TV spices it up! IT Professionals are forced to spend their days in isolated basements, with only the humming of air conditioners and server racks to comfort them. However, the IT pro lives in fear of the inevitable, the day his neighboring tech acquaintances are silenced and the steady blink of a dying server’s red LED marks the end of a relationship that is more like loosing a squad-mate in battle than loosing a piece of hardware.

These catastrophic equipment events force the true IT soldier to emerge, which is exactly the moment when our cameras begin to roll. The series will highlight each contestant’s struggle to get their company’s IT networks up and running. The contestant’s will have 24 hours to get their dying systems back up to speed, or else they will face termination, both from the show and in their real life jobs. Episodes will show our nerdy reality stars facing off against both Porsche driving upper management goons and pimply pizza-eating customer support dudes who are more concerned with leaving work the exact millisecond their shift runs out than helping the IT Professional manage a fatally damaged network.

Forget the “vote-off” gimmicks involved in other reality shows, IT War contestants won’t get booted off an island or voted out of some camera-filled house, these IT professionals will actually be fired from their jobs when they fail a challenge. However, they will be promoted to hefty seven figure bonuses when they succeed. The power to make or break careers has always been a vital recipe for the successful reality show, and watching these sorry souls bust their balls for 24 hours straight with the fear of a ruined career nipping at their tail will be truly entertaining television.

Since our contestants only have 24 hours to complete their challenges, I suggest we incorporate something from the popular action show 24. Come to think of it, Kiefer Sutherland would be an ideal IT Wars host. Can you imagine listening to Jack Bauer’s intense narration as the camera pans over a goofy IT Professional furiously typing and chugging Mountain Dew as he desperately attempts to rekindle a dying piece of financial data?

Like any reality show, the producers and I will inject a variety of contrived situations into each episode that are designed solely to whore in additional viewers. For example, I would break into a contestant’s World of Warcraft account and counterfeit a dirty affair with a fellow female WOW user. I would then accidentally plant evidence of some illicit WOW cybering into the hands of the IT Professional’s wife and make sure the camera was rolling when she confronted the poor guy. It would be vintage reality television!

Let’s hope this reality plan does better than America’s Next Top Dictator.

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The Real Life Forum Comic

Posted by viveknarain on April 3, 2008

Just wanted to let everyone know that I’ve started a new side blog/online comic series tentatively titled The Vivek Narain Real Life Forum Comic.

I created the first episode today and I’m working on a few more right now, so the series remains in its infantile stages, but I’m hoping to expand it quickly.

The inspiration behind the comic comes from my own forum experiences. I’ve noticed while participating on various boards that people say the most idiotic things for no reason other than they know they can get away with it because it’s on the internet. Being able to post your thoughts anonymously gives these people a certain power which they quickly abuse by being vulgar and stupid. So I got to thinking, what would happen if people made these comments in real life and not on the internet? Thus, my comic series was born. I only use real forum discussions in the comic, none of text is fictional.

As you can tell from my blog, I’m absolutely against web censorship. I believe our ability to post thoughts anonymously and say whatever is on our minds without fear of reprisal is what makes the internet so incredible. I created the comic because I wanted to poke fun at some of the jerks that cloud up the digital world and take the web’s privileges for granted. I don’t believe what these people are doing is wrong, I just think they’re stupid. I plan to update the comic fairly regularly because I’m never at a loss for inspiration, the internet is full of idiots.

Posted in Madness | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

Castro Unisex Body Lotion and My Plea to the Mysterious Searcher

Posted by viveknarain on April 2, 2008

Like most WordPress users, I love to peruse the Blog Stats feature on the WordPress dashboard and see who’s been looking at my work. One of the unique features on the dashboard actually allows bloggers to see what search engine terms people have used to find their blog.

While on my normal Monday procrastination routine, I noticed an interesting search term that someone had used to find this very site. Dispersed among my normal search terms, which include World Dictators, Hillary Clinton Robots, and Star Wars Football Players, I found a curious piece of search language that completely shattered my view of reality. Someone, or something, found my blog by searching for Castro Unisex Body Lotion.

Now what in the world are you looking for when you type in Castro Unisex Body Lotion? This question has haunted me ever since I discovered the phrase, and I have decided that I must do everything and anything in my power to contact the human being who committed this outlandish search engine act.

Whoever this mysterious web surfer may be, I speak directly to you now, and I beg that you return to my blog and leave a comment explaining yourself and just what you were hoping to find by searching for Castro Unisex Body Lotion. The very idea, the very image, the sheer imagination and chutzpa involved in such a web search baffles me. I must meet you mystery searcher, I must find out what went through your mind. I beg you to share with me and my readers what you were searching for. In an effort to appease you, I have discovered what I think you were looking for.

“One Sex. One Dream.”

How do you think Castro survived all those CIA assassination attempts over the years? The key to his success was an expertly scented and gender neutral body lotion that was previously reserved only for other world dictators, but is now set for release to the general public in early 2009. This new public line of Castro Unisex Body Lotion, known to the world simply as Uni, uses the finest, most exotic herbs and spices on the planet, which have been hand picked by an aging Castro himself. The secret Uni lotion mixture also combines the Amazon’s rarest frog bones and Capybara tears to create a concoction that smells and lathers so eloquently, no sex should be without it. The final mixture is fermented in a pregnant Snow Leopard hide for 15 months before it is ready for bottling. Thanks to Castro’s commitment to excellence, a lotion now exists that transcends all gender bias, and protects you from exploding cigars.

Is this what you wanted mysterious searcher? Will I ever hear from you, or will you be just another enigma of web insanity, destined to remain forever lost in the depths of cyber space? If you find this blog again, please leave a comment explaining yourself.

Posted in Madness | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

An Angry Letter to KFC in Response to the Egregious Act of Disrespect Committed Against Al Copeland.

Posted by viveknarain on March 27, 2008

Dear KFC,

March 24, 2008 began like any other day. The morning chatter of several arguing birds fluttered past my car window, raising me from an alcohol induced and nightmare ridden slumber. Everything seemed fine until I checked the news headlines on Yahoo and discovered that Al Copeland had died. You may not recognize his name, but I guarantee your stomach will. The 64 year old Copeland, who succumbed to a malignant salivary gland tumor, was the eccentric and brilliant founder of Popeyes Chicken and Biscuits.

My heart hadn’t felt like this since the demise of Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas in 2002, and I knew that it would be a day of mourning and fried chicken consumption instead of my usual routine of procrastination and satirical observation.

Copeland was the Henry Ford of low quality chicken service, helping change the U.S. Chickenscape with a lethal combination of spicy fried chicken flavoring and heroin-like biscuits. Without Copeland, chicken would not play such an important role in American culture, but people often overlook his chicken legacy in favor of your company’s founder and mascot, Colonel Sanders.

I’ve always loved Popeyes, but I still respected you KFC, you were a noble warrior in the chicken battle, except this time, you’ve gone too far. On the day of Copeland’s death, a day set aside for chicken grief and reflection on all the beautiful years of biscuits and spicy flavoring that Copeland helped America enjoy, I was horrified to stumble across this KFC advertisement, mere moments after reading about Copeland’s demise.

The ad clearly states “Life tastes better with KFC.” Way to kick a man when he’s down KFC. You just had to talk about “life” while an entire nation mourns the death of a great American hero and visionary, who also happened to be your biggest competitor. We all know that life tastes better than death KFC; do you really have to rub it in? Couldn’t you have just let this one go? This is like Steve Jobs releasing a new iPhone on the day that Bill Gates dies and Microsoft replaces his organic body with a Mech Warrior.

So what’s next KFC? After my washer and dryer break down will I receive a pop up that says, “Cleanliness tastes better with KFC.”

Copeland gave America some of the finest low quality chicken known to man, and he deserves a lot more respect from KFC. To retain the honor of Copeland and everything Popeyes has given this country, I would like KFC to respond to the following ultimatum:

I, Vivek Narain, demand that on March 24, 2009, KFC restores the three story snowman that Copeland created for his annual New Orleans Christmas display (Yes, Copeland actually built a three story snowman – isn’t that awesome?). You will do this to honor the American visionary that you have disrespected so blatantly. If you do not respond to these demands, I fear that I may have to boycott your company and its stupid Mashed Potato Bowls.

Sincerely,

Vivek Narain

Posted in Angry Letters | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Things That Fund Terrorism: Spitzer Prostitution money actually goes to Al-Qaeda

Posted by viveknarain on March 19, 2008

Major news outlets believe the Eliot Spitzer prostitution scandal is over. What these media bigwigs fail to realize is the real story has yet to be revealed. Spitzer’s hooker ring of choice, the secretive Emperor Club, is actually an elaborate cover designed to hide his true intentions. The governor of New York would never dole out serious cash for a high priced yet mildly attractive hooker. In reality, Spitzer’s prostitution money was actually used to fund terrorism.

Do you really think “Client 9” would willingly spend that much money on simple prostitutes? Spitzer could have grabbed any woman he desired for free, and his hooker of choice may have looked good, but not $80,000 good. For that much money you could get busy with Beyonce on a gold plated waterbed filled with champagne. Believe me, the only people getting their hands on Spitzer’s money were terrorists.

This diagram lays out the real Spitzer scandal.

As you can see in the diagram, Spitzer’s cash was siphoned off to build an Al-Qaeda training camp somewhere in the Middle East. The prostitution ring served as the perfect cover because Spitzer knew if he got caught he would have to resign and face harsh public judgment, which is much better than a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay for treason.

Spitzer would pay his hooker when they met in secure locations. They would then spend a respectable amount of private time together to ensure the legitimacy of the facade. After the secret rendezvous, Spitzer’s prostitute would deliver the money to the cloaked Emperor Club pimp-leader, who would then pass it on to the mysterious head of terrorist operations. This secretive terrorist leader, who’s identity is still classified, but appears to have an unsettling passion for eucalyptus trees, would proceed to divert the funds toward various terrorist activities, the most important of which are training camp monkey bars.

Every male in power has a severe prostitute hunger that must be quenched; it’s a fact of life. Conversely, getting caught funding terrorism is an extremely serious crime, so Spitzer intelligently covered it up with a more common and acceptable political sex scandal. Revealing Spitzer’s prostitution offense must have felt like the holy grail of stories for the media, so what incentive is there to dig deeper and find where the money is truly going? There is no better story than the quintessential law and order politician becoming trapped in a prostitution scandal, so there is no need to look deeper. By using the prostitution ring as a front, Spitzer ensured that no one would look closer into the money’s eventual destination.

If Spitzer used a normal terrorist funding cover like a shady real estate deal or an offbeat government acquisition, authorities would be more likely to follow the money trail beyond its initial front. Instead, America sees Spitzer’s prostitution scandal as just another example of sexually deviant male politicians and is happy to move on after a week. The “Enforcer” is no horny fool; he is a terrorism funding genius.

Posted in Things that Fund Terrorism | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

America’s Next Top Dictator

Posted by viveknarain on March 7, 2008

The once unpredictable and exciting world of reality television has stagnated in a pit of formulaic monotony. The American people are tired of seeing the same petty cat fights and drunken emotional break downs that occur with uneventful regularity in every show. It used to be exciting to see someone get slapped on MTV’s the Real World, but now I’ve become so desensitized that I barely bat an eye when two half-naked women body slam each other in another pointless reality challenge.

To improve ratings and maintain viewers, the major television networks must take the reality show formula to a new global level of pain and humiliation. The answer to the reality show slump can be found by taking one of the most popular reality shows of all time to an entirely new level of disaster.

My pitch to the major television networks is simple: Take the recipe for America’s Next Top Model, but replace the beautiful women with a group of world dictators and call it America’s Next Top Dictator. From Guatemala to Uzbekistan, America has a long history of aiding ruthless third world dictators, and the current international stage is ripe with some truly sexy totalitarian oppressors. With many of our old international buddies turning against us, it’s time for America to pick a new dictator lapdog. What better way for America to decide if they want to favor Abdullah over Musharraf than through weekly televised events? The torture, murder, and general oppression of an entire culture is far more exciting to watch than people eating egg brains or going on blind dates. America’s Next Top Dictator would be a ratings giant!

So here is my pitch for America’s Next Top Dictator, I figured out an excellent judge’s panel, the perfect weekly contests, and even recommendations for contestants to choose. I don’t think the networks can afford to let this go.

America’s Next Top Dictator: Judges Panel

There is only one man who can host America’s Next Top Dictator. This monolith of tyranny wrote the book on dictatorship himself. This communism-loving bearded bad ass brought style and innovation into the authoritarian world; I’m talking about none other than the freshly retired Fidel Castro.

Castro knows what it takes to please America, because he knows how to survive longer than anyone else as America’s number one enemy. Castro can suppress individual freedoms with the best of them, and despite the production crew’s complaints after editing his nine hour speeches each week, Castro is perfectly positioned to take on the role that fellow diva dictator Tyra Banks perfected. Castro’s infinite knowledge of dictator life will prove invaluable as the fledgling dictators look for their chance to shine on network television.

The Judges panel will feature Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and CIA director Michael Hayden. Gates is a perfect dictator judge, he has already proven his love for autocratic regimes through his involvement with the Iran-contra affair, and his skill at skewing Russian intelligence reports while serving as CIA director would impress any of our top dictator hopefuls.

Dictator Weekly Challenges

Much like its highly successful predecessor, America’s Next Top Dictator will force contestants to overcome a gauntlet of difficult challenges for our viewing pleasure. These challenges are carefully designed to test the true skills of a Top Dictator and ensure each contestant’s commitment to wield supreme authoritarian power over their helpless country.

The expert judges will vote on the best dictator performance after each challenge, removing the lowest performing tyrant each week. Weekly challenges will force the contestants to elude coup attempts and see which dictator can find and torture spies in a group of innocents the fastest.

Other challenges will include who can manipulate newspapers and journalists in the most effective manner, who can allow America to build a military base inside their country the quickest, and who can torture members of their own party with the most creative flair after becoming paranoid that their closest allies are plotting against them.

A special event will be hosted by guest judge and fellow lunatic rambling speech expert Tyra Banks, who will help the panel choose which dictator can give the most hysterical and hate-filled ignorant speech to a square full of frightened minions.

Tyra Banks will return for The Sexy Space Suit Dictator Photo Shoot, a surprise final challenge where remaining dictator contestants dress up in man-thongs and space helmets and see who can strike the best moon conquering pose next to their respective national flags.

Contestant Strategies

King Abdullah is the heavy favorite to win Top Dictator; he already enjoys the golden spoon of American favor courtesy of the Saudi Oil that our country laps up like breast milk. With his rich history as an American lapdog, this Saudi King will be hard to beat in the eyes of the Americans who love him and ignore his anti-Semitic, freedom squashing leadership methods.

China’s supreme leader Hu Jintao is another good candidate, the sheer economic power he wields with China and the upcoming Olympic Games puts him ahead of the competition, but Jintao’s utter disregard for human rights violations is no joke, and the forced abortions and religious detainments he sponsors may outweigh China’s global economic persuasiveness.

Kim Jong-Il is the Top Dictator rebel, and like the classic reality show villains before him, Jon-Il will continually remind the other dictators that he is not in this show to make “friends,” and will use disturbing nuclear antics to try and coerce a top spot in the finals.

Robert Mugabe has helped Zimbabwe’s citizens capture the awards for world’s shortest life expectancy, highest percentage of orphans, and worst inflation rate, so he has a lot of sucking up to do, but his charismatic speeches may just make him a contender.

The lack of American response to the extreme amounts of death that Omar al-Bashir has caused in Darfur means that he must be doing something phenomenal behind the scenes, so this mass murderer masquerading as a respectable leader might just be the dark horse of Top Dictator.

Pervez Musharraf uses the war on terror to gain American favor and hide his oppression of the Pakistani people. The amount of aid given to Musharraf by America must mean he has a good chance to win.

After the final challenge, the remaining contestants will be chosen via text message vote by the American people, thus assuring public approval of America’s new Top Dictator. The winner will immediately pledge to do arms dealing only with America, as well as restricting trade to only countries we approve of. In return, they will be allowed to do whatever their twisted minds desire to their people without fear of overt American intervention. The winner would retain their Top American Dictator title until a new winner is chosen on the next season’s show.

I think America’s Next Top Dictator has a lot of potential to receive stellar ratings, and help improve American foreign relations. It’s a win, win situation. I’ll keep you posted as the offers come streaming in.

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Presidential Prediction Post and The Inevitable Future of America

Posted by viveknarain on February 21, 2008

With the 2008 presidential nomination race approaching the final stretch, I think it’s important for the American people to start thinking about what would happen if any of the four major presidential hopefuls actually made it to the nation’s highest office.

Barack Obama

It will take two weeks for Barack Obama to realize there is more to an American presidency than just being a charismatic speaker. When faced with issues of immigration and Iraqi occupation, President Obama will be shocked to discover that vague generalities and promises of bringing “change” are not actually ways to formulate American policy. When Iran’s nuclear weapons program starts to get frisky and the economy begins to spiral out of control faster than Brittany Spears’s sanity, Obama will fall back on his political experience for inspiration, only to realize that he has none, and like an excited child flaunting the fresh Ben and Jerry’s ice cream cup his mother just bought him, only to get his face smashed in and delicious treat stolen by the neighborhood bully, Obama will feel the full weight of a failed presidency crashing upon him like a sledgehammer of political reality. As our country crumbles on the back of liberal inexperience, Americans will truly get a dose of “change,” also known as “impeachment.”

John McCain

John McCain will turn the White House into the world’s most powerful convalescent home. After whacky old-man executive orders start filtering out of Washington that confuse waterboarding with skateboarding, Congress will realize the American people have once again made a major presidential election mistake. Luckily, McCain will be too old to remember his P.O.W flashbacks, so his advisor’s can quietly guide him into the Lincoln bedroom and deliver a Heath Ledger approved prescription cocktail while the country continues to run under the clandestine authority of Republican appointed cabinet members and senior officials. Come to think of it, a McCain presidency wouldn’t be much of a change from how the country is run now, except the State of the Union will be given by a delusional grandfather instead of an inept moron.

Hillary Clinton

After becoming the first female president in American history, Hillary Clinton will fix our nations healthcare system, end the war in Iraq, rejuvenate the lagging economy, and whip America into shape like a once athletic (now alcoholic) gym teacher going through a mid-life crisis. However, as we ascend to prominence and regain our spotless international diplomatic reputation, the truth behind Hillary’s success will be leaked to the public after Bill’s pillow talk with a group of promiscuous female interns spreads to the White House press, who will discover that Hillary created an unstoppable fleet of gender unspecific unisex bots that she has secretly used to manipulate foreign affairs. The American public will consider impeachment, but with the Jihadists defeated and China firmly set at number two on the world’s economic leader board, our nation will do what it does best, look the other way and enjoy Democratic prosperity at any cost. Hillary’s blissful regime will go on pleasantly through her reelection, until she reveals at the end of a second term that she is also a member of the unisex robot race, a fact that Bill knew for years, which explains his sexual deviance. Once Hillary’s true robot form is exposed, she will refuse to relinquish the American throne and after several unsuccessful coup attempts by aging Republican’s and Michigan militias, America will have to resign itself to the fact that instead of the country’s first woman president, Hillary was actually the first robot president, brutally enslaving us all until the great Hillary uprising of 2089.

Mike Huckabee thinks the earth is only 9,000 years old…

When Huckabee takes office our country will falter under a system of inseparable religion and politics, and with mandatory public school prayer and creationism classes shoved down the educational system’s collective throat, the American youth will become even dumber than they are now, sparking our society’s path of devolution into a mindless subhuman ape-race. It’s interesting to note that the only nominee hopeful who doesn’t believe in evolution will initiate its perverted amplification. As America slides back down the evolutionary ladder with Huckabee at the helm, the constitution and Bill of Rights will seamlessly merge into the Ten Commandments and our country will make the world of Idiocracy look like a Harvard physics lecture.

Each candidate spells certain doom for our nation’s future, so what is an informed, democracy-loving voter to do?

Kevin Costner

The real candidate of the people, the real patriot, the real crusader of freedom, has long been on our minds and in our hearts, but only now is he ready to take on the country’s highest office. Vote Kevin Costner on the independent ticket for 2008. Confused about Costner’s ability to lead our country? (I assure you he has about as much experience as Obama) Check out my Vivek Narain Official Costner for President Site and discover the true power of our country’s best kept political secret.

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