Vivek Narain on Life

The musings of a man preparing for a mission

Posts Tagged ‘Fox’

Species Swap

Posted by viveknarain on May 8, 2008

After several failed reality show pitches, I finally created a winner. Titled Species Swap, this show will bridge the gap between humanity and the natural world, putting modern man back in touch with the animal kingdom and inspiring our culture to live a greener lifestyle.

The rules are simple; each contestant is assigned a specific animal species and they compete to see who can better live as their chosen animal counterpart. Species Swap has already undergone several test episodes, and after working out most of the initial kinks, I think this show could be the next Real World. We were able to learn a lot from the early test episodes; unfortunately it was at the expense of some of the contestants.

Episode 1 – Bears

We wanted to start things off big, so we decided, what’s cooler than getting our first contestant to infiltrate the world of bears? Bears are the largest land carnivores on our planet and exude a tantalizing mixture mystique and brute strength that is guaranteed to drive in viewers. The crew figured we could channel the popularity of the Grizzly Man documentary, which proved that audiences love to watch humans interact with massive blood-thirsty beasts. Unfortunately, our first Species Swap episode ended exactly like Grizzly Man, except we weren’t respectful enough to remove the footage of our subject’s violent death, which Fox Network executives absolutely loved.

Episode 2 – Tigers

The crew theorized that the source of our early failure was the inability to create an authentic animal costume, which is why our contestant was disemboweled and served for bear dinner so quickly in the first episode. We decided to hire the world’s top theatrical costume designers to create an excellent tiger costume for Episode 2. Anticipating a blockbuster smash, we took our new contestant and his brilliant Bengal Tiger outfit to India and began filming as he adapted to the man-eating tiger world. Unfortunately, a Saudi Prince happened to end his hunting expedition the same day we started shooting, and on his way out of the jungle decided he wanted to take a souvenir tiger back to his home palace. While Species Swap cameras trailed quietly behind the tiger mimicking contestant, our star was suddenly swept up by the Prince’s hunting party and before we could react accordingly, he was locked in an iron cage and airlifted out of the country. We haven’t heard from him since.

Episode 3 – Sharks

We had learned enough by Episode 3 to have a clear understanding of what was needed to engineer the perfect show, so we created a costume that would allow contestants to integrate themselves safely into the natural world. Armed with the massive budget we earned after the Saudi Prince gave us a small stake in his oil fields when we agreed to keep quiet about our missing tiger contestant, the crew created a one-man ultra-futuristic submersible vehicle that not only looked exactly like a Great White Shark, but could replicate the agility and speed of the incredible predator. Contestant safety had always been our first priority, so the Shark Sub was fitted with extra oxygen tanks and multiple armor layers, insuring that no shark could bite through. Unfortunately, the Department of Homeland Security picked up on the Shark Sub’s movements only a few minutes into our first trial run, and confusing our technologically adept reality show creation for an Iranian terrorist sub, they sent out a nearby Los Angeles class nuclear submarine that promptly obliterated our contestant.

Episode 4 – Snakes

We didn’t realize the American government had ruined our latest episode until floating Shark Sub debris began rising to the surface. We decided that the next episode had to take place somewhere that no one really cared about, so we headed to the American Bible Belt. The crew designed a remarkable anti-venom snake costume for our latest contestant. As long as you don’t have to worry about getting bitten, snakes are remarkably easy to live with. Unfortunately, some of those Christian fundamentalist “Snake Handlers” captured our contestant while he sunbathed with some baby rattle snakes. They used our contestant in one of their snake bite ceremonies, which recent presidential dropout and fanatical Christian fundamentalist Mike Huckabee happened to join. As each real snake leapt out and fatally bit its lunatic handler, our star did his best snake bite impersonation, which failed to break Huckabee’s leathery Baptist skin. Obviously, Huckabee didn’t die from this bite, and the congregation believed he had been chosen by God to live forever.

A powerful evangelical movement grew around Huckabee’s new God-like snake power, propelling the ex-Arkansas governor to run on the independent ticket for the 2008 Presidential election. The story of his snake bite survival spread throughout the country and he became a mythological figure, which ultimately helped him win the presidential election, narrowly defeating the nations first two headed mutant candidate, which formed after Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton fell into a pit of radioactive ooze at the Democratic convention and their bodies melded together to create one incredibly hope-filled but physically hideous Democratic candidate.

Episode 5 – Mountain Gorilla

Upon Huckabee’s ascension to the United States Presidency, a sweeping criminal reform movement took place that jailed anyone who wasn’t a Christian fundamentalist. To save my own ass, I informed Huckabee that the snake that bit him was actually a contestant from my botched reality show. Realizing that I was the reason he had achieved ultimate Democratic power, the good Christian Huckabee granted me and my crew a full pardon, but demanded that we continue the show in his honor. We promptly set out to the Congo to being filming our next contestant living with the endangered Silverback Gorilla. Knowing that male Silverbacks are highly territorial, we gave the constant a female suit and sprayed him with female pheromones to mask his male scent and protect him from aggressive males. Unfortunately the plan backfired because we started filming during the mating season, so instead of attacking our contestant, every Silverback male for 30 miles traveled down from the mountains to have their way with the suited man. The resulting Gorilla group orgy lasted for three days, and we were powerless to do anything to stop it because Silverbacks are endangered, so the use of force to save our contestant would have resulted in an extended visit to a Congolese prison. However, over 72 hours of Gorilla sexual plundering created some truly disturbing footage that Fox executives did not want to air, but still bought for “personal research.”

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IT Wars

Posted by viveknarain on April 16, 2008

Since my first reality show concept, America’s Next Top Dictator, failed to attract any attention from the major television networks (I’m looking at you Fox… you accepted Battle of the Bods but denied me? I mean COME ON – Alright, calm down Vivek. You can’t let emotions cloud proper writing flow). In any case, my latest reality show proposal is guaranteed to spark an epic network bidding war. The name of this new television gem? IT Wars.

IT Wars will unveil the mysterious, exciting, and occasionally sexy world of the IT Professional to American audiences, creating a new reality TV series that is destined to top the ratings charts.

Most people think an IT job is filled with simple routine operating procedures and boring nerd-work, which is completely true, except when reality TV spices it up! IT Professionals are forced to spend their days in isolated basements, with only the humming of air conditioners and server racks to comfort them. However, the IT pro lives in fear of the inevitable, the day his neighboring tech acquaintances are silenced and the steady blink of a dying server’s red LED marks the end of a relationship that is more like loosing a squad-mate in battle than loosing a piece of hardware.

These catastrophic equipment events force the true IT soldier to emerge, which is exactly the moment when our cameras begin to roll. The series will highlight each contestant’s struggle to get their company’s IT networks up and running. The contestant’s will have 24 hours to get their dying systems back up to speed, or else they will face termination, both from the show and in their real life jobs. Episodes will show our nerdy reality stars facing off against both Porsche driving upper management goons and pimply pizza-eating customer support dudes who are more concerned with leaving work the exact millisecond their shift runs out than helping the IT Professional manage a fatally damaged network.

Forget the “vote-off” gimmicks involved in other reality shows, IT War contestants won’t get booted off an island or voted out of some camera-filled house, these IT professionals will actually be fired from their jobs when they fail a challenge. However, they will be promoted to hefty seven figure bonuses when they succeed. The power to make or break careers has always been a vital recipe for the successful reality show, and watching these sorry souls bust their balls for 24 hours straight with the fear of a ruined career nipping at their tail will be truly entertaining television.

Since our contestants only have 24 hours to complete their challenges, I suggest we incorporate something from the popular action show 24. Come to think of it, Kiefer Sutherland would be an ideal IT Wars host. Can you imagine listening to Jack Bauer’s intense narration as the camera pans over a goofy IT Professional furiously typing and chugging Mountain Dew as he desperately attempts to rekindle a dying piece of financial data?

Like any reality show, the producers and I will inject a variety of contrived situations into each episode that are designed solely to whore in additional viewers. For example, I would break into a contestant’s World of Warcraft account and counterfeit a dirty affair with a fellow female WOW user. I would then accidentally plant evidence of some illicit WOW cybering into the hands of the IT Professional’s wife and make sure the camera was rolling when she confronted the poor guy. It would be vintage reality television!

Let’s hope this reality plan does better than America’s Next Top Dictator.

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