Vivek Narain on Life

The musings of a man preparing for a mission

Posts Tagged ‘John McCain’

NFL Conspiracy Post

Posted by viveknarain on May 22, 2008

The NFL owners recently voted to give Super Bowl hosting rights to the Indianapolis Colts in 2012. I know the Colts probably won’t be as good in 2012 as they are now, but it still seems a little fishy. Sure, the Colts are building the new Lucas Oil Stadium, an impressive retractable-roof behemoth, but Super Bowl’s are historically hosted in warm weather cities, this will be only the fourth time in history that the Super Bowl has been in a cold weather area. Can you imagine the Colts with home field advantage in the Super Bowl? It seems much more likely to happen with the Colts than with teams like the Arizona Cardinals, who hosted last season’s Super Bowl. Is this some kind of NFL conspiracy? Maybe not, but it brings to mind several other famous football conspiracies that you may or may not be familiar with.

Al Davis Vampire Conspiracy

The Oakland Raiders are clearly the black sheep of the National Football League, and it’s obvious that the NFL bureaucracy has a vendetta against them. The Raiders lack the refined, bourgeoisie football style of teams like the New England Patriots, and also fail to exude the all-American boy-next-door image like Peyton Manning and the Colts. The Raiders represent the dark side of football, and if you’ve ever tailgated at a Raiders game or witnessed the Black Hole in action, you would understand the terrifying levels of chaos and insanity portrayed within the Raider culture. The Raiders are the rebels of the NFL, and they stand for everything the modern league is trying to move away from, which is why the NFL concocted a sinister plan to keep the franchise out of football power.

After the Raiders reached Super Bowl XXXVII, loosing to the Buccaneers by 27 points, the NFL realized the Oakland team was becoming too powerful, so they decided to bring the Raiders down for good. The NFL contacted Raiders owner Al Davis and told him there was a special Super Bowl runner-up retreat in Transylvania. Davis took the bait and hit the first international flight to the foreboding area, where he was promptly bitten by a vampire the NFL hired to track him (who was possibly related to Pac-Man Jones). When the new Vampire Davis returned to America, he began focusing on recruiting young players that would quench his immortal thirst for blood. As a vampire, Davis loves to feast off the life force of young offensive players; they bring him the most pleasure per bite. Why else would a team draft Darren McFaden in the first round when they already have a running back like Justin Fargas but no defense!? Davis’s twisted love for young offensive blood is no clearer than in the case of JaMarcus Russel. The young quarterback was picked first overall in the 2007 draft; apparently, quarterback blood is the most precious offensive sustenance a vampire can find. Since Russel’s draft into the Raiders organization, his life-force has slowly drained due to weekly Davis feedings, which the San Francisco Chronicle noticed in this article, when they wrote, “Russell looks smaller than he’s been since the Raiders drafted him with the No. 1 overall pick in April 2007. He is noticeably slimmer than when he arrived in September.” Russel is slimmer because his life is being sucked away by his Vampire owner… who knows how much longer he can survive?

As a Vampire football owner, Davis’s ability to pick the right players has been overshadowed by his quest for young offensive blood, and these skewed decisions have clearly hurt the Raiders. Since Davis was bitten five seasons ago, the Raiders have yet to win over five games in each year, illustrating the success of the NFL’s sinister scheme. Davis was even quoted as saying he would not retire until the Raiders won two more super bowls, which will obviously take an eternity, providing even further evidence of his Vampirical immortality.

In addition to their hatred of the Raiders, the NFL holds deep-seeded distaste for Davis himself. Davis had a famous rivalry with Pete Rozelle, the old NFL commissioner who died in 1996. As his foes continue to die due to their mortality, Davis lives on, so the NFL may have inadvertently engineered its own worst nightmare, unless Champ Bailey is actually Blade. Contrary to the original conspiracy theory, there is evidence that Davis was a vampire before the NFL sabotaged him in 2003, in 1982 Davis successfully sued the NFL to allow the Raiders to move to Los Angeles, which is the global headquarters of soulless blood-suckers.

The New Orleans Saints Hurricane Katrina Conspiracy

The morning that Hurricane Katrina smashed into New Orleans, John McCain enjoyed his birthday cake with George Bush in Arizona, taking time to pose for the press instead of addressing the chaos that was engulfing Louisiana. This was just one of the many horrifying mistakes the U.S. government made in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, but for a brief period the general public failed to notice the government’s severe ineptitude. Fortunately, a strong public backlash, led by the megalomaniac Kanye West and his famous fundraiser comments brought the nation together in distaste for their political leaders. The government realized they needed a feel good story to get the public’s mind off their horrible Hurricane mistakes. The politicians theorized that a winning season for the New Orleans Saints would serve as the perfect symbol of the city’s successful rejuvenation. It’s easier for the government to show off a rebuilt football team instead of a rebuilt New Orleans, so major political officials secretly met with the NFL and concocted a plan to ensure the Saints a winning season and get the nation’s mind off their inability to protect American citizens.

With the help of the NFL conspiracy, the Saints were able to go 10-6 in the regular season and win the NFC South, enjoying the most successful season in the team’s history after floundering like oil executives in a Senate hearing the previous year. The conspiracy became all too clear in the Monday Night Football game against the Atlanta Falcons. This was the Saint’s first home game of the 2006 season, and it was the second most-watched cable television broadcast in history, the government had a large audience to brainwash.

Prior to the game Atlanta had the number one rushing offense and New Orleans had one of the worst rushing defenses. The Saints were coming off a dismal year, and it seemed like there was no chance they would win. However, after the NFL secretly injected Saints players with super-enhancer performance drugs supplied by the government, the Saints were able to crush the heavily favored Falcons. These super-enhancers were tested on American soldiers in Vietnam as well as Barry Bonds, and while previous batches made the subjects go insane and hallucinate, the final super-enhancer mixture actually increased reaction time and strength. How else do you explain the famous blocked punt during the game and the Saints ungodly domination of a team that was destined to destroy them?

The NFL didn’t want to inject the Saints with super-enhancers every game, it would have made the conspiracy too obvious, but they made sure the Saints won just enough games to build an inspiring season, but not arise unwanted suspicion. After their inspirational 2006 run the government stopped supplying the Saints with performance enhancers and they finished the next season with an unimpressive 7 and 9 record. Another NFL conspiracy successfully completed.

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Gas Tax Holiday, Iraq Death Toll, Mission Accomplished, and the allure of GTA IV

Posted by viveknarain on April 30, 2008

Occasionally, a nice little package of misery and despair is delivered directly on my digital doorstep as our country’s major problems coincide in remarkably timely ways. The American death toll in Iraq reached a 7-month record high today, and tomorrow marks the five year anniversary of President Bush’s dramatic “Mission Accomplished” aircraft carrier proclamation, while Hillary Clinton and John McCain recently made their support for an absolutely idiotic gas tax cut public, highlighting the dire necessity of an informed and attentive American population to stop these scoundrels before our county falls into oblivion. But what do all my friends care about? Grand Theft Auto IV!!! (Actually, the only reason I’m not playing right now is my Xbox’s recent acquisition of the Red Ring of Death)

Clinton and McCain’s desire to cut the federal gas tax (18.4 cents a gallon) for three months is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to trick consumers and gather uninformed votes, much like Bush’s “Mission Accomplished” debacle tricked the American people into thinking that the Iraq War was about to end.

Not only will the removal of the federal gas tax fail to lower gas prices, it will siphon away important tax dollars from other programs that desperately need money. Suspending the tax will take $8.5 billion from the Highway Trust Fund, which is already reeling from a $3 billion loss. The Highway Trust fund helps maintain our nation’s roads and bridges, and is a necessary part of America’s infrastructure upkeep. Cutting such a wide monetary hole into this fund will not only endanger the condition of our roads and bridges, it will threaten the hundreds of thousand of jobs that are necessary to maintain these projects.

The tax cut is designed to offer extra support to oil companies, who will in turn decrease prices at the pump. However, there is little chance that this extra boost to oil company profits would help lower gas prices. Shell and BP have already reported record profits for this quarter, so why do they need government help to make even more money? The removal of the gas tax would only give more money to oil companies that are already swimming in it. If, by some stroke of luck, oil prices dramatically decreased because of this tax cut, lowering prices would increase oil demand, but many refineries are already working at their highest possible production level so they wouldn’t be able to keep up, and would inevitably be forced to drive prices back up.

There is absolutely no way this tax cut would help lower gas prices, but it is the type of proposal that makes Clinton and McCain look like superheroes in the eyes of uniformed Americans.

The omnipotent Obama called this gas tax cut “a gimmick,” which is exactly right, but that doesn’t make him any better than Hillary or McCain because he’s made the same mistake before. Obama has voted for a similar gas tax cut on three different occasions. Unsurprisingly, these proposals failed to provide any substantial drop in gas prices.

When President Bush landed like a soldier of fortune on the USS Abraham Lincoln five years ago, he proudly proclaimed that major combat operations in Iraq were over and that Iraq was a victory, while a “Mission Accomplished” banner brazenly shown behind him, illustrating how easy it is for our government to trick us with publicity stunts and flashy words. These gas tax proposals are an insult to American intelligence; just like the “Mission Accomplished” banner is an insult to all the American soldiers who have died in Iraq in the last half decade.

We’re already throwing mind-boggling sums of money into the war effort, so why throw away more for a pointless oil holiday? If the oil companies were struggling and needed help I might see the point of this tax removal, but with the current state of affairs in the oil business world, it just seems foolish.

That saddest thing about this skewed gas proposal is that it’s supposed to be part of a grandiose plan to fix the American energy crisis. However, I don’t think giving more money to oil companies and trying to get people to use more gas is a solution to our problem. Congress has spent years bickering over America’s clean energy strategy, effectively stamping it into the ground. Why is it so difficult for politicians to unite behind wind and solar energy production? Without Congress giving the proper backing to clean energy, our country remains a slave to oil. We are failing to do simple things that could solve our problems, and instead we decide to rely on foolish tax proposals that help the very industry who needs it the least. American clean energy companies are moving to other countries because of the failure of our government to protect them. How much longer will our government neglect the real energy issue and continue to frolic in the pockets of oil lobbyists… will it take another war? Will it take eight dollar a gallon gas prices? Maybe I should just cool down and pick up a copy of GTA IV – that would definitely keep me quiet.

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Presidential Prediction Post and The Inevitable Future of America

Posted by viveknarain on February 21, 2008

With the 2008 presidential nomination race approaching the final stretch, I think it’s important for the American people to start thinking about what would happen if any of the four major presidential hopefuls actually made it to the nation’s highest office.

Barack Obama

It will take two weeks for Barack Obama to realize there is more to an American presidency than just being a charismatic speaker. When faced with issues of immigration and Iraqi occupation, President Obama will be shocked to discover that vague generalities and promises of bringing “change” are not actually ways to formulate American policy. When Iran’s nuclear weapons program starts to get frisky and the economy begins to spiral out of control faster than Brittany Spears’s sanity, Obama will fall back on his political experience for inspiration, only to realize that he has none, and like an excited child flaunting the fresh Ben and Jerry’s ice cream cup his mother just bought him, only to get his face smashed in and delicious treat stolen by the neighborhood bully, Obama will feel the full weight of a failed presidency crashing upon him like a sledgehammer of political reality. As our country crumbles on the back of liberal inexperience, Americans will truly get a dose of “change,” also known as “impeachment.”

John McCain

John McCain will turn the White House into the world’s most powerful convalescent home. After whacky old-man executive orders start filtering out of Washington that confuse waterboarding with skateboarding, Congress will realize the American people have once again made a major presidential election mistake. Luckily, McCain will be too old to remember his P.O.W flashbacks, so his advisor’s can quietly guide him into the Lincoln bedroom and deliver a Heath Ledger approved prescription cocktail while the country continues to run under the clandestine authority of Republican appointed cabinet members and senior officials. Come to think of it, a McCain presidency wouldn’t be much of a change from how the country is run now, except the State of the Union will be given by a delusional grandfather instead of an inept moron.

Hillary Clinton

After becoming the first female president in American history, Hillary Clinton will fix our nations healthcare system, end the war in Iraq, rejuvenate the lagging economy, and whip America into shape like a once athletic (now alcoholic) gym teacher going through a mid-life crisis. However, as we ascend to prominence and regain our spotless international diplomatic reputation, the truth behind Hillary’s success will be leaked to the public after Bill’s pillow talk with a group of promiscuous female interns spreads to the White House press, who will discover that Hillary created an unstoppable fleet of gender unspecific unisex bots that she has secretly used to manipulate foreign affairs. The American public will consider impeachment, but with the Jihadists defeated and China firmly set at number two on the world’s economic leader board, our nation will do what it does best, look the other way and enjoy Democratic prosperity at any cost. Hillary’s blissful regime will go on pleasantly through her reelection, until she reveals at the end of a second term that she is also a member of the unisex robot race, a fact that Bill knew for years, which explains his sexual deviance. Once Hillary’s true robot form is exposed, she will refuse to relinquish the American throne and after several unsuccessful coup attempts by aging Republican’s and Michigan militias, America will have to resign itself to the fact that instead of the country’s first woman president, Hillary was actually the first robot president, brutally enslaving us all until the great Hillary uprising of 2089.

Mike Huckabee thinks the earth is only 9,000 years old…

When Huckabee takes office our country will falter under a system of inseparable religion and politics, and with mandatory public school prayer and creationism classes shoved down the educational system’s collective throat, the American youth will become even dumber than they are now, sparking our society’s path of devolution into a mindless subhuman ape-race. It’s interesting to note that the only nominee hopeful who doesn’t believe in evolution will initiate its perverted amplification. As America slides back down the evolutionary ladder with Huckabee at the helm, the constitution and Bill of Rights will seamlessly merge into the Ten Commandments and our country will make the world of Idiocracy look like a Harvard physics lecture.

Each candidate spells certain doom for our nation’s future, so what is an informed, democracy-loving voter to do?

Kevin Costner

The real candidate of the people, the real patriot, the real crusader of freedom, has long been on our minds and in our hearts, but only now is he ready to take on the country’s highest office. Vote Kevin Costner on the independent ticket for 2008. Confused about Costner’s ability to lead our country? (I assure you he has about as much experience as Obama) Check out my Vivek Narain Official Costner for President Site and discover the true power of our country’s best kept political secret.

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