Vivek Narain on Life

The musings of a man preparing for a mission

Posts Tagged ‘Mountain Dew’

Flat Belly Diet vs. Fat Belly Diet

Posted by viveknarain on August 6, 2008

So it’s obvious that the Flat Belly Diet is a gimmick. I’m sick of all these phony dieting crazes that trick unhealthy people into thinking there is some magical way to loose weight without doing any work. So I came up with my own diet that actually does work. I call it the Fat Belly Diet, and it’s guaranteed to give you the spare tire you always dreamed of.


Two fistfuls of goldfish and a breadbowl with nacho cheese. Fist nacho cheese with goldfish and consume, make sure you eat all the bread.


A warm glass of Country Club Malt Liquor and an Ultimate Double Cheeseburger from Jack in the Box. Can’t really say much more about that.


Mix Mountain Dew and Kool Aid into a water cooler to keep your thirst quenched throughout this meal. A dozen mozzarella cheese sticks will serve as the appetizer. To prepare the main course, wallpaper a country fried steak with bacon. Fry everything and set over a bed of ranch sauce. Douse with country gravy before eating.


All you need for dessert is one of these babies – Elephant Bar’s Giant Cookie Ice Cream Sandwich


Posted in Madness | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

IT Wars

Posted by viveknarain on April 16, 2008

Since my first reality show concept, America’s Next Top Dictator, failed to attract any attention from the major television networks (I’m looking at you Fox… you accepted Battle of the Bods but denied me? I mean COME ON – Alright, calm down Vivek. You can’t let emotions cloud proper writing flow). In any case, my latest reality show proposal is guaranteed to spark an epic network bidding war. The name of this new television gem? IT Wars.

IT Wars will unveil the mysterious, exciting, and occasionally sexy world of the IT Professional to American audiences, creating a new reality TV series that is destined to top the ratings charts.

Most people think an IT job is filled with simple routine operating procedures and boring nerd-work, which is completely true, except when reality TV spices it up! IT Professionals are forced to spend their days in isolated basements, with only the humming of air conditioners and server racks to comfort them. However, the IT pro lives in fear of the inevitable, the day his neighboring tech acquaintances are silenced and the steady blink of a dying server’s red LED marks the end of a relationship that is more like loosing a squad-mate in battle than loosing a piece of hardware.

These catastrophic equipment events force the true IT soldier to emerge, which is exactly the moment when our cameras begin to roll. The series will highlight each contestant’s struggle to get their company’s IT networks up and running. The contestant’s will have 24 hours to get their dying systems back up to speed, or else they will face termination, both from the show and in their real life jobs. Episodes will show our nerdy reality stars facing off against both Porsche driving upper management goons and pimply pizza-eating customer support dudes who are more concerned with leaving work the exact millisecond their shift runs out than helping the IT Professional manage a fatally damaged network.

Forget the “vote-off” gimmicks involved in other reality shows, IT War contestants won’t get booted off an island or voted out of some camera-filled house, these IT professionals will actually be fired from their jobs when they fail a challenge. However, they will be promoted to hefty seven figure bonuses when they succeed. The power to make or break careers has always been a vital recipe for the successful reality show, and watching these sorry souls bust their balls for 24 hours straight with the fear of a ruined career nipping at their tail will be truly entertaining television.

Since our contestants only have 24 hours to complete their challenges, I suggest we incorporate something from the popular action show 24. Come to think of it, Kiefer Sutherland would be an ideal IT Wars host. Can you imagine listening to Jack Bauer’s intense narration as the camera pans over a goofy IT Professional furiously typing and chugging Mountain Dew as he desperately attempts to rekindle a dying piece of financial data?

Like any reality show, the producers and I will inject a variety of contrived situations into each episode that are designed solely to whore in additional viewers. For example, I would break into a contestant’s World of Warcraft account and counterfeit a dirty affair with a fellow female WOW user. I would then accidentally plant evidence of some illicit WOW cybering into the hands of the IT Professional’s wife and make sure the camera was rolling when she confronted the poor guy. It would be vintage reality television!

Let’s hope this reality plan does better than America’s Next Top Dictator.

Posted in Reality Shows | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »