Vivek Narain on Life

The musings of a man preparing for a mission

Posts Tagged ‘super bowl’

NFL Conspiracy Post

Posted by viveknarain on May 22, 2008

The NFL owners recently voted to give Super Bowl hosting rights to the Indianapolis Colts in 2012. I know the Colts probably won’t be as good in 2012 as they are now, but it still seems a little fishy. Sure, the Colts are building the new Lucas Oil Stadium, an impressive retractable-roof behemoth, but Super Bowl’s are historically hosted in warm weather cities, this will be only the fourth time in history that the Super Bowl has been in a cold weather area. Can you imagine the Colts with home field advantage in the Super Bowl? It seems much more likely to happen with the Colts than with teams like the Arizona Cardinals, who hosted last season’s Super Bowl. Is this some kind of NFL conspiracy? Maybe not, but it brings to mind several other famous football conspiracies that you may or may not be familiar with.

Al Davis Vampire Conspiracy

The Oakland Raiders are clearly the black sheep of the National Football League, and it’s obvious that the NFL bureaucracy has a vendetta against them. The Raiders lack the refined, bourgeoisie football style of teams like the New England Patriots, and also fail to exude the all-American boy-next-door image like Peyton Manning and the Colts. The Raiders represent the dark side of football, and if you’ve ever tailgated at a Raiders game or witnessed the Black Hole in action, you would understand the terrifying levels of chaos and insanity portrayed within the Raider culture. The Raiders are the rebels of the NFL, and they stand for everything the modern league is trying to move away from, which is why the NFL concocted a sinister plan to keep the franchise out of football power.

After the Raiders reached Super Bowl XXXVII, loosing to the Buccaneers by 27 points, the NFL realized the Oakland team was becoming too powerful, so they decided to bring the Raiders down for good. The NFL contacted Raiders owner Al Davis and told him there was a special Super Bowl runner-up retreat in Transylvania. Davis took the bait and hit the first international flight to the foreboding area, where he was promptly bitten by a vampire the NFL hired to track him (who was possibly related to Pac-Man Jones). When the new Vampire Davis returned to America, he began focusing on recruiting young players that would quench his immortal thirst for blood. As a vampire, Davis loves to feast off the life force of young offensive players; they bring him the most pleasure per bite. Why else would a team draft Darren McFaden in the first round when they already have a running back like Justin Fargas but no defense!? Davis’s twisted love for young offensive blood is no clearer than in the case of JaMarcus Russel. The young quarterback was picked first overall in the 2007 draft; apparently, quarterback blood is the most precious offensive sustenance a vampire can find. Since Russel’s draft into the Raiders organization, his life-force has slowly drained due to weekly Davis feedings, which the San Francisco Chronicle noticed in this article, when they wrote, “Russell looks smaller than he’s been since the Raiders drafted him with the No. 1 overall pick in April 2007. He is noticeably slimmer than when he arrived in September.” Russel is slimmer because his life is being sucked away by his Vampire owner… who knows how much longer he can survive?

As a Vampire football owner, Davis’s ability to pick the right players has been overshadowed by his quest for young offensive blood, and these skewed decisions have clearly hurt the Raiders. Since Davis was bitten five seasons ago, the Raiders have yet to win over five games in each year, illustrating the success of the NFL’s sinister scheme. Davis was even quoted as saying he would not retire until the Raiders won two more super bowls, which will obviously take an eternity, providing even further evidence of his Vampirical immortality.

In addition to their hatred of the Raiders, the NFL holds deep-seeded distaste for Davis himself. Davis had a famous rivalry with Pete Rozelle, the old NFL commissioner who died in 1996. As his foes continue to die due to their mortality, Davis lives on, so the NFL may have inadvertently engineered its own worst nightmare, unless Champ Bailey is actually Blade. Contrary to the original conspiracy theory, there is evidence that Davis was a vampire before the NFL sabotaged him in 2003, in 1982 Davis successfully sued the NFL to allow the Raiders to move to Los Angeles, which is the global headquarters of soulless blood-suckers.

The New Orleans Saints Hurricane Katrina Conspiracy

The morning that Hurricane Katrina smashed into New Orleans, John McCain enjoyed his birthday cake with George Bush in Arizona, taking time to pose for the press instead of addressing the chaos that was engulfing Louisiana. This was just one of the many horrifying mistakes the U.S. government made in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, but for a brief period the general public failed to notice the government’s severe ineptitude. Fortunately, a strong public backlash, led by the megalomaniac Kanye West and his famous fundraiser comments brought the nation together in distaste for their political leaders. The government realized they needed a feel good story to get the public’s mind off their horrible Hurricane mistakes. The politicians theorized that a winning season for the New Orleans Saints would serve as the perfect symbol of the city’s successful rejuvenation. It’s easier for the government to show off a rebuilt football team instead of a rebuilt New Orleans, so major political officials secretly met with the NFL and concocted a plan to ensure the Saints a winning season and get the nation’s mind off their inability to protect American citizens.

With the help of the NFL conspiracy, the Saints were able to go 10-6 in the regular season and win the NFC South, enjoying the most successful season in the team’s history after floundering like oil executives in a Senate hearing the previous year. The conspiracy became all too clear in the Monday Night Football game against the Atlanta Falcons. This was the Saint’s first home game of the 2006 season, and it was the second most-watched cable television broadcast in history, the government had a large audience to brainwash.

Prior to the game Atlanta had the number one rushing offense and New Orleans had one of the worst rushing defenses. The Saints were coming off a dismal year, and it seemed like there was no chance they would win. However, after the NFL secretly injected Saints players with super-enhancer performance drugs supplied by the government, the Saints were able to crush the heavily favored Falcons. These super-enhancers were tested on American soldiers in Vietnam as well as Barry Bonds, and while previous batches made the subjects go insane and hallucinate, the final super-enhancer mixture actually increased reaction time and strength. How else do you explain the famous blocked punt during the game and the Saints ungodly domination of a team that was destined to destroy them?

The NFL didn’t want to inject the Saints with super-enhancers every game, it would have made the conspiracy too obvious, but they made sure the Saints won just enough games to build an inspiring season, but not arise unwanted suspicion. After their inspirational 2006 run the government stopped supplying the Saints with performance enhancers and they finished the next season with an unimpressive 7 and 9 record. Another NFL conspiracy successfully completed.

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Super Bowl XLII – The Star Wars Version

Posted by viveknarain on February 1, 2008

A long time ago, on a Sunday far, far away…

It is a dark time for the NFL Galaxy. The evil Patriot Empire has crushed all opponents in the football universe, utilizing incredible offensive fire power to destroy Rebel forces struggling to loosen the Empire’s unbeatable grasp on the universe.

The Empire is only one step away from completing their unfinished annihilation of the NFL, and it’s up to the Rebel Giants to meet them on the final stage of battle and save the galaxy from the Patriot’s tyrannical grasp. This will truly be an epic struggle, but will it be a Strike Back or the Return? The key may just be found below.

Tom Brader

This dark lord wields unstoppable football force that crushes all teams attempting to stand before him. By committing his soul to the Empire, Brader has amassed unimaginable power, harnessing the anger and rage built up from a universe of trash talkers. Brader is a veteran imperial fighter who has already won three super bowls and mercilessly defeated all jedibacks who have faced him this year, leaving only one brave soul to face him in the final battle.

Eli Mannwalker

Mannwalker’s family heritage is rich in football force, and this Rebel hero has slowly grown to harness the power in his blood. Mannwalker’s obi-wan like brother revealed the ways of the force, but was defeated by Brader earlier this year, instilling dangerous thoughts of revenge in Mannwalker’s young mind. It doesn’t seem like Mannwalker has much of a chance against the power of Brader and the Empire, but it’s quite possible Brader could reveal that Mannwalker is part of his illustrious string of illegitimate children strewn across the country.

Emperor Belichick

The unstoppable head of the Empire will do anything to win, utilizing his dark powers to crush weaker opponents without sympathy. The Emperor is happy to run up scores and smash his challengers into oblivion. Emperor Belichick’s mastery of football force makes him a formidable adversary, and the weapons amassed in his arsenal have created an unstoppable Patriot Empire that surely looks unbeatable against the Rebel Giants, who have already been crushed by the Empire once before.

Boba Moss

Boba Moss is a cutthroat, touchdown seeking bounty hunter who moves from team to team annihilating his targets with calculating precision and incredible strength. Moss is the football galaxy’s most brutal touchdown hunter, just give him the proper contract and consider your opponent destroyed. Boba Moss’s rocket pack helps him fly down the field and make catches unreachable to anyone but him. The law means nothing to Moss; he only cares about fulfilling his contract and getting the glory.

Bruschi the Hut

Getting tackled by Bruschi the Hut is like getting thrown into the Sarlacc Pit, except it’s over a little quicker. Bruschi is the empire’s defensive crime lord, leading a horde of other shady characters as they hunt down opponent’s teams without pity. Bruschi the Hut will do whatever it takes to gobble up an enemy football.

Plaxolo

Dashing and daring, this fluid football pilot doesn’t hold back his tongue, reveling in trash talk and never backing down from a fight. Plaxolo is a formidable fighter, and his speed and agility in football space makes him one of the Rebel’s top assets. While many cower in fear of the Empire, Plaxolo openly mocks their scoring capabilities, heading into battle with a chip on his shoulder and a blaster on his hip.

Michael Strewbacca

This gigantic Wookie behemoth may be covered in hair and impossible to understand, but his unprecedented strength and loyalty to the Rebel Giant side is unquestionable. Strewbacca is a hard working beast that never gives up, and his massive arms are great for rapping up Imperial quarterbacks, you just wouldn’t want to let him sit on your new couch.

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