With the 2008 presidential nomination race approaching the final stretch, I think it’s important for the American people to start thinking about what would happen if any of the four major presidential hopefuls actually made it to the nation’s highest office.
Barack Obama
It will take two weeks for Barack Obama to realize there is more to an American presidency than just being a charismatic speaker. When faced with issues of immigration and Iraqi occupation, President Obama will be shocked to discover that vague generalities and promises of bringing “change” are not actually ways to formulate American policy. When Iran’s nuclear weapons program starts to get frisky and the economy begins to spiral out of control faster than Brittany Spears’s sanity, Obama will fall back on his political experience for inspiration, only to realize that he has none, and like an excited child flaunting the fresh Ben and Jerry’s ice cream cup his mother just bought him, only to get his face smashed in and delicious treat stolen by the neighborhood bully, Obama will feel the full weight of a failed presidency crashing upon him like a sledgehammer of political reality. As our country crumbles on the back of liberal inexperience, Americans will truly get a dose of “change,” also known as “impeachment.”
John McCain
John McCain will turn the White House into the world’s most powerful convalescent home. After whacky old-man executive orders start filtering out of Washington that confuse waterboarding with skateboarding, Congress will realize the American people have once again made a major presidential election mistake. Luckily, McCain will be too old to remember his P.O.W flashbacks, so his advisor’s can quietly guide him into the Lincoln bedroom and deliver a Heath Ledger approved prescription cocktail while the country continues to run under the clandestine authority of Republican appointed cabinet members and senior officials. Come to think of it, a McCain presidency wouldn’t be much of a change from how the country is run now, except the State of the Union will be given by a delusional grandfather instead of an inept moron.
Hillary Clinton
After becoming the first female president in American history, Hillary Clinton will fix our nations healthcare system, end the war in Iraq, rejuvenate the lagging economy, and whip America into shape like a once athletic (now alcoholic) gym teacher going through a mid-life crisis. However, as we ascend to prominence and regain our spotless international diplomatic reputation, the truth behind Hillary’s success will be leaked to the public after Bill’s pillow talk with a group of promiscuous female interns spreads to the White House press, who will discover that Hillary created an unstoppable fleet of gender unspecific unisex bots that she has secretly used to manipulate foreign affairs. The American public will consider impeachment, but with the Jihadists defeated and China firmly set at number two on the world’s economic leader board, our nation will do what it does best, look the other way and enjoy Democratic prosperity at any cost. Hillary’s blissful regime will go on pleasantly through her reelection, until she reveals at the end of a second term that she is also a member of the unisex robot race, a fact that Bill knew for years, which explains his sexual deviance. Once Hillary’s true robot form is exposed, she will refuse to relinquish the American throne and after several unsuccessful coup attempts by aging Republican’s and Michigan militias, America will have to resign itself to the fact that instead of the country’s first woman president, Hillary was actually the first robot president, brutally enslaving us all until the great Hillary uprising of 2089.
Mike Huckabee thinks the earth is only 9,000 years old…
When Huckabee takes office our country will falter under a system of inseparable religion and politics, and with mandatory public school prayer and creationism classes shoved down the educational system’s collective throat, the American youth will become even dumber than they are now, sparking our society’s path of devolution into a mindless subhuman ape-race. It’s interesting to note that the only nominee hopeful who doesn’t believe in evolution will initiate its perverted amplification. As America slides back down the evolutionary ladder with Huckabee at the helm, the constitution and Bill of Rights will seamlessly merge into the Ten Commandments and our country will make the world of Idiocracy look like a Harvard physics lecture.
Each candidate spells certain doom for our nation’s future, so what is an informed, democracy-loving voter to do?
Kevin Costner
The real candidate of the people, the real patriot, the real crusader of freedom, has long been on our minds and in our hearts, but only now is he ready to take on the country’s highest office. Vote Kevin Costner on the independent ticket for 2008. Confused about Costner’s ability to lead our country? (I assure you he has about as much experience as Obama) Check out my Vivek Narain Official Costner for President Site and discover the true power of our country’s best kept political secret.
Vivek Narain on Life 